Weddings Redefined

There comes a time, and it may be just about now - five years after the first same-sex marriages come to pass in the United States - when we take stock of gay wedding trends.  And now after careful thought, we are starting to call these trends gay wedding traditions.

Now, when I'm asked by a reporter, a prospective client, a curious acquaintance, or a stranger at a cocktail party, "What's the difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding?", my response begins with, "Well, traditionally, at a gay wedding..."

That's right - there are gay wedding traditions, mostly at the ceremony.  Let me explain further.

There's a strong and palpable feeling of triumph and celebration at gay weddings.  But before that feeling actually sets in, many of the guests who have never before attended a gay wedding simply don't know what to expect.  So the guests start out with a great deal of anticipation, are a little nervous, excited, curious.  We like to help them relax.  Traditionally, at a gay wedding, guests are greeted before the ceremony with champagne and sparkling water.  This can last for 5-30 minutes before the ceremony begins and sets the tone of something a little bit different but definitely celebratory and fun.

Then comes the processional...and not your typical Wedding March, the Bridal Chorus or Trumpet Voluntary with a massive wedding party.  Traditionally, if there is a central aisle, the couple walks in together holding hands.  If there is no central aisle (often), the couple walks in from two different directions each accompanied by their family and/or wedding party, and meets in the middle.  And the music?  How about "All You Need is Love", "Ribbon in the Sky" or another contemporary piece with meaning to the couple?  Sometimes this piece is played live and sometimes it's the recorded version of the song.  Our processional is "Your Precious Love" by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell.

example of a Foundation Covenant, designed by Modern Ketubah

Following the processional, the guests remain standing, champagne in hand, for the opening remarks and tradition of "Validation & Affirmation" - which is essentially a brief introductory blessing/toast.  Then the guests sit and the ceremony proceeds as you might expect but with often a bit more emphasis on the history of the couple.

Later in the ceremony, after the vows are exchanged, the officiant asks the couple to sign the Foundation Covenant.  This document is inspired by the ketubah, Quaker wedding certificate and other sacred documents and is an art piece that the couple, and later the guests sign.  We work with two producers of Foundation Covenants - custom and modern art pieces.

The couple then recesses out to a contemporary/pop song and take some time alone (no receiving line), adapted from the Jewish tradition of the yichud, while the guests sign the Foundation Covenant as witnesses to the marriage.  The Covenant is often later framed as art (and conveniently can serve as a guest book.)

If it sounds like gay weddings are fun, it's because they are!  I seriously hear from a guest at almost every wedding I plan that "this is the best wedding I've ever been to."  Have you seen anything especially fun or outside the box at a gay wedding ceremony? 

I get the question all the time - how do I design my wedding?  How do we choose colors?  Themes?  Do I need a theme?  How and where do I use this theme or color scheme?  My advice - start with the paper!

Truthfully, the save the date card is often the first your guests hear of your wedding plans.  It's the first element that arrives in the mail, teasing them as to what's to come.  You might as well make it interesting...

Start with that and weave those same design elements into your invitations, your ceremony program, your dinner menu, your escort and/or place cards, your table name signs, your thank you notes and so forth.  How cool to see a seamless design throughout.  It's just classy and elegant.  And I'm a big fan of green weddings, so even if you skip the ceremony program and the menu, you can still have a cohesive design theme.

Start with the paper.  And please make it recycled and preferably FSC certified.

For a number of my clients who have wanted custom design work, I've collaborated with a local graphic designer whose work I adore and whose work ethic and values I greatly respect and admire.  We are big fans of one another and I assisted with her wedding to her adorable groom Ben last summer.  Early this year, we agreed to collaborate on custom-designed stationery for couples, so this week I opened up a Stationery Design section of my website.

Please check it out if you are looking to give your wedding personality from the very second your guests open the envelope or see that postcard arrive in the mail.

If you've had especially interesting wedding stationery, I'd love to see your examples of how your personality came through - show them off to me!

I've produced so many weddings by now that I have excellent instincts about the art of wedding production.  One of the "rules" I have for most couples is: 2-4 toasts, max. Designate those articulate and funny individuals to toast in advance.  Tell me who is toasting.  I'll schedule the time for the toasts and cue the toast accordingly so that the caterer, photographer, cinematographer and DJ/band are all ready for them.  No "open mic" toasts.  Keep the toasts less than 5 minutes each.  Keep them clean.  Simple enough.

Sometimes rules are meant to be broken.  And I'm absolutely thrilled that my clients from this past Saturday's wedding broke my rules of toasting.  The gentlemen who live in Manhattan brought about 52 friends and family from literally around the world to Boston to celebrate their wedding (the Massachusetts economy thanks them).  It was a beautiful, classy wedding, with live Brazilian jazz all evening - and no dancing. 

Throughout the amazing three course meal at Radius, there were toasts - 11 in all, starting and ending with the grooms.  I have to say that those 11 people were among the funniest, sweetest, most generous and affectionate toasters I have ever heard.  Which is not at all surprising because the grooms are funny, sweet, generous and affectionate and it's only fitting for them to have such a great community of friends and family.  So 11 toasts, all brilliant and everyone had an amazing time.  And I'm thrilled to have my rule broken.

I should add that it's become a gay wedding tradition for the bride/bride or groom/groom to toast each other and their guests.  Jen and I are planning to toast our guests with mead, based off the Celtic mead toasting tradition but updated, of course, for our gay wedding.

I can't wait to show you the photos and tell you more stories from this urban chic wedding later this week.  Here's a hint...

Any other tips for toasting from out there?

I spent a glorious spring Friday with clients doing visits of Cape Cod's most spectacular wedding venues.  From Provincetown to Plymouth, we hit them all - it's a great way to get out of the office.

Cape Cod is a fabulous wedding destination - it feels like nowhere else on earth.  A Cape Cod beach town is not like a beach town in any other state.  The venues combine luxury with rustic charm with stunning views.  There are even venues for every budget, believe it or not, though weddings on the Cape are at a premium in typical wedding season.  Because the Cape relies so heavily on wedding and tourist dollars, many places will require long minimum night stays.  And especially on the outer Cape, there are fewer of each kind of vendor, so you better plan ahead!



As you can see above, there's even a vineyard on the Cape - check out the Truro Vineyards of Cape Cod - I love it!

One of the fun parts of planning a wedding on Cape Cod are the decor elements - beyond the typical flip flops and scallop shells - you can really have fun with the imagery and themes.  I love the dune aesthetic, personally.


It's ironic that I'm writing this entry today because this morning I had an inn in Provincetown cancel on one of my clients for their July wedding (20 guests).  And the inn was within their right to do so - though that certainly didn't make me or my clients happy at all.  Very few places in Provincetown will consider hosting a wedding in July and it's not exactly convenient for guests from out of state, but Ptown is unlike anywhere else on earth and is certainly worth a visit regardless...

If you are considering a wedding on the Cape, there are lots of logistics and it's a bit more complicated than your Boston wedding, especially getting room blocks for your traveling guests, and working with one of the few tent/rental companies on the Cape, and planning for traffic, and finding the best floral designer and photographer.  Though, this stuff is all easy for a professional planner who knows the area.

Second set of photos by Julia Cumes.