14 Stories

Warning: this post is going to make you hungry.

Recently I've had an increasing number of clients, gay and straight, opt for a wedding dessert other than wedding cake.  Now, this is not to say that wedding cakes have gone the way of the dinosaur - far from it - but about 1/3 of my clients are mixing it up a bit. 

With cupcakes (the obvious substitute)...

With pies...

Or strawberry shortcake...

Or miscellaneous cakes from their favorite bakeries:

Photos by, top to bottom, Michael Manning, unknown, Closed Circle Photo and Derek Goodwin.

Being married is wonderful!  We are very happy.  As some of you may have noticed, Jen hyphenated our names but I did not, though I still took her name, so that's our subtle difference.  Works for us.

We are back to work with a wedding on Friday for two lovely women from Michigan and their 20 guests and Jen is doing the flowers.  Fortunately, we very much powered down on our honeymoon in Aruba, doing almost nothing at all, really, staying at a tiny European resort, enjoying frozen drinks on the hot beach and otherwise allowing ourselves to relax (I was surprisingly good at it!)

Our wedding was just about perfect (I've promised not to obsess over the tiny things that were not) and above all, extremely fun (we are blessed with amazing friends and family who came with their dancing shoes on). Check out a few amateur photos (the professional ones are forthcoming):

 



More to come, but those are a teaser...

When I started my business in 2004, I had never planned a wedding.  I had planned many events and knew I had the skills but there was a natural learning curve with weddings.

So what did I do?  I interviewed many dozen vendors, figured out who I could trust, then I hired those people and let them do their jobs.

Fortunately, that philosophy has always worked out well for all.  There are occasionally times I have to micromanage vendors, often when I'm hired for day of coordination and haven't worked with the vendors hired by the client.  Or if I'm working in a new area of the state or region, I encounter new faces.

But the reality is that I am a professional wedding planner, not a professional caterer, baker, photographer or stationer.  And I don't pretend to be any of those things.  I know the right questions to ask and I know what to look for.  But most importantly, I know who I trust.

And that is the philosophy I'm relying on this week since my wedding is tomorrow and I'm not in charge.  We hired a day of coordinator to make sure our vision is executed, and we hired some of our favorite vendors.  I hope you check out their work and we'll post up a few photos after the big day.

These folks are the reason I'm relaxing right now, with the comfort that we're in good hands.  These are the people I thank because they make me look good...

• Photographer Kelly Griffith/Closed Circle Photo
• DJ Kristin Korpos
• Lighting Boston Uplights
• Venue/Catering Exchange Conference Center
• Bay State Party Rentals
  
• Generations CinemaStories
• tada Yourself Makeup
• DPV Transportation
• J Sherman Studio graphic design

Please support them as well!

Happy Independence Day!

-Bernadette and Jen

I was emailing with a couple last week who sent me a note on their ceremony draft.  One of the grooms wrote, "Jeff and I have been together for more than 14 years.  After a life of saying 'my partner' I'd love, at long last, to say, 'my spouse.'"

And so he did.  Language is a funny thing.  I know another unmarried gay couple together more than ten years who refer to themselves not as partners, but as lovers.  That term is not for everyone but it works for them.

This is a big decision for gay and lesbian couples.  I get asked all the time about how the officiant will declare them at the conclusion of the ceremony.  I now declare you...

• legally married
• lawfully married
• partners for life
• married partners
• husbands/wives to one another
• spouses for life
• something else?

Jen and I chose "legally married" - and that felt right for me in particular because the legal bit is so important.  We live in a state where our marriage is legal and I want that word to be heard loud and clear.

And once you're actually hitched, how will you refer to your spouse?  Many couples I know initially cringed at "husband" or "wife".  Dan Savage still calls Terry his boyfriend even though they were married in Canada.  I had a hard time adjusting to fiancee and only in the past few months has that felt more natural.  Many couples still use the term partner because it's what's comfortable and what they know.

I honestly don't know what I'll call Jen.  Right now, "wife" feels cringeworthy but I suspect I'll get used to it.

And finally, what about the last name?  Many people keep their names, but I've had several clients and a friend invent entirely new names, some of which were not remotely similar to either of the old names.  That's kind of fun - as you begin a new life together, you do so with a new name.  And of course you can hyphenate.  Sometimes this works out if the names flow together but sometimes it's awkward.

So what is the gay wedding planner going to do?

I'll tell you that on Saturday, after our wedding and before our honeymoon, I'll be updating the About Us section on this very website with our new last names, which were well debated.  They are different from each other, but slightly and the only compromise we could reach.

How is your officiant pronouncing you at the conclusion of your wedding ceremony?  And will you be using the word husband or wife to refer to your new spouse?  I'd especially love to hear of any creative solutions to any of these dilemmas!  Please share!

I've been joking that I need to start carrying around nips of liquor in my emergency kit - my brides and grooms have been nervous lately!  It's actually very cute...

But I can relate.  Yes, I am a very calm person, but it's strange how nerves manifest themselves. 

Last night I dreamt this highly implausible dream that has little basis in reality: our ceremony and reception were across the street from one another, but that street was a very busy road, specifically Land Boulevard in Cambridge.  Guests had to walk across this trafficky road in severe heat.  The reception began with no cocktail hour, and Jen and I were seated.  The cheesy, 70s-era DJ that came with the wedding package introduced these live musicians, one of them did a Kurt Cobain tribute (in costume), and another who sang folk music.

I then left the reception because I forgot something back at the ceremony site, and by the time I returned, everyone was standing around for cocktail hour but I missed all the food.  And I forgot to mention that to enter the reception site, there was a very long, gradual stairway up, followed by a confusing trap door!

What on earth is going on?!  I suppose there are a few parallels between my dream and what Jen and I have planned, but on the whole, it's baffling.  But I can tell you that I was certainly irritable when I woke up this morning.

I should note that I'm still very calm (during awake hours, that is).

Jen has recently been experiencing anxiety on the verge of panic attacks - but her stress comes while she's awake.  Let me tell you - it's a lot of pressure planning a wedding when your career is a wedding planner.  A lot.  The expectations of guests, acquaintances, clients, vendors, colleagues and followers on Twitter are very high, and while I'm confident that we planned ourselves an amazing wedding, what if it's not?  Of course, Jen has the added stress of designing all of our wedding flowers. 

(Jen has also asked me to note that she's not at all anxious about being married, just about the wedding itself.)  Thankfully that's all...

Anyway, all this to say, that I can relate to clients and friends' stories of wedding nightmares.  One of my friends had a nightmare that her fiance left her, saying, "I just want to be friends." It's horrifying what the subconscious creates. 

I'd love to hear about any wedding dreams or nightmares you've had or are having.  It helps to share so we can have a good laugh and reality check!  What's the craziest wedding nightmare you've had?

I need to be honest and let you know that if you're engaged and planning a gay wedding, there's a good chance you're going to encounter some heterosexism and possibly homophobia, even if you're marrying here in Boston.  I want to tell you this because, even as a planner, I've seen some ugly things just in the past month, even with vendors I had pre-screened, and I am livid:

• I was invited to do a presentation to a group of wedding professionals on how to work with gay couples, and one of the vendors in the audience blatantly told me upon my arrival that she didn't work with them, and instead referred them to a colleague.
• I took two brides to meet with a florist on Cape Cod with whom I'd previously worked and the florist said when we walked in, "So, which one of you is the bride?"
• I booked a trolley (a company I'd used before) for my grooms' wedding guests, and the man who helped me with my reservation asked me "Which way do they swing?" when I told him it was a same-sex wedding.
• At another wedding, the trolley driver told me he couldn't wait to see the bride and groom.  I reminded him there were two grooms.  The driver rolled his eyes and blessed himself.
• The limo driver who drove my grooms was looking for a restroom while he waited for the ceremony to end.  Someone suggested the basement of a nearby library.  He said, "I know what happens in that basement bathroom and I guess I should watch myself around these guys."
• The sales manager at the hotel where my guest rooms are blocked sent me an email asking for the name of my groom, even though I had just emailed him a guest information form I completed referring to us as two brides.

I am not telling you these things to freak you out, to deter you from planning a fabulous wedding, or to scare you into hiring me.  Not at all.  But there's a misconception that because gay weddings have been happening in Massachusetts for five years now, that all vendors are on board, accepting and understanding, and it's just not the case.  I wish it were, but I'm honestly glad that my clients didn't have to experience these situations themselves.

As gay marriage continues to be legalized (you go, New Hampshire!), it's important for wedding industry vendors to take a hard look at their marketing materials, retrain their staff, and start using more inclusive language and photos.  And a tip - just because you are a paid advertiser on GayWeddings.com or GayWeddings.us.com doesn't mean that you're off the hook.  I can promise you that those vendors I referred to above will not get my business in the future.  It's a small community and we talk.

Today I had the pleasure of visiting Cambridge City Hall twice.

The first time was at 9:30am with a lovely couple from Pennsylvania in town for the Vows package.

The second time was at 7:30pm with Jen.  We went to Cambridge because a) it was the first city in the first state in the entire United States to issue legal marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples; and b) great tip - because it's open late on Monday nights.  :-)

Jen's most powerful moment was when she wrote down what will be her new last name: Coveney-Smith.

My most powerful moment was finally standing and filling out the paperwork that I've helped dozens of couples fill out.  Confession that even though I've helped others go through this process, I still had some cross-outs on my form.

It's so exciting - we are about 32 days away, unbelievable!  The response cards are still coming in, still waiting to hear from many cousins and aunts and uncles from around the world.  I have to admit that planning my own wedding has made me more empathetic than ever towards my clients and their own emotional journey.  Marriage equality is such a beautiful thing - and so is love, of course.

We had our photo taken under a large banner inscribed with a portion of the Goodridge ruling.  It's finally our turn to be a part of history.  And yes, I do believe that gay marriages are still making history.

Last night was our date night and on the walk home, we saw a rainbow and took a photo.  Surely this must be a good sign...

There have been 12,000 same-sex marriages in Massachusetts since they became legal in 2004.  That's a lot for sure, but I'm willing to bet (and I wish I had data on this) that many of those couples had a marriage ceremony, not a big wedding.  I met a couple this morning who like many couples, had a brief marriage in the Arlington Street Church that first week they were legal, when the ASC was holding marriage ceremonies every 15 minutes.  I've personally helped many couples with their marriages through my Vows package.

I've noticed this subject as a debate among couples, especially those who never grew up thinking it would be possible to marry, or never envisioned their own wedding.  I've met many couples who are unsure whether they want a wedding, or where one partner is trying to convince the other on the subject (I have a theory about this I'll save for another post).  In the beginning, back in 2004, many couples I worked with were in their 40s and 50s and there was enormous pent up demand for marriage.  In the past couple of years, many couples I work with are in their 20s and early 30s - which is around my age and the average age couples in general marry in Massachusetts.

So what do you do - have a marriage ceremony or have a wedding?  Jen and I can relate. We were talking about this topic this morning when we were discussing how our wedding planning would have gone if I wasn't a wedding planner.  She said that she would have tried to convince me to have a luxury elopement, just the two of us.  I said that even if I wasn't a planner, I'd never go along with that...the witnessing and validation by my friends and family is way too important to me.

Of course, weddings cost a lot of money, typically between $20-35K in Boston.  But I have a lot of experience with weddings and there is nothing more moving to me, still, to this day, than seeing a gay or lesbian couple stand up in front of their friends and family, and get legally married.  And the validation and support they receive from their guests is truly priceless.  The key word is validation.  Gay weddings are jubilant.  There is a sense of triumph. And I feel like there is no greater party.

I understand the desire to elope or to keep it small.  Many brides (or grooms) don't like being the center of attention or simply can't or don't want to spend the money or deal with the planning stress.  And I'll never try to convince a couple otherwise.  That validation from "community" isn't something everyone needs. 

So how do you reach a resolution?  It's such a personal thing.  Fortunately for me, I got my way, and I'll be sure to report how that validation personally feels after my own wedding on July 3.

I am hereby giving you permission to be a Bridezilla (or a Groomzilla)!

I look at it this way:  you're probably spending tens of thousands on dollars on your wedding day.  You want it to be perfect.  You want to do this only once. 

Add that to moms or future mother-in-laws who have strong opinions (and may be paying for a portion of the wedding).  You may encounter dear friends who themselves are showing Bridezilla tendencies.  You may all of a sudden have a lot of extra pressure at work.  You may want to lose weight for the wedding.  You may be very upset by your wedding gown alterations (Jen knows all about this one...)

You can be a Bridezilla.  We don't mind. And we know better than to take it personally.

Honestly, we understand, and Jen and I have each had our own Bridezilla moments in the course of planning our own wedding.  Weddings are stressful and get many people around you excited!  You are probably getting lots of unsolicited advice and opinions - and if you are a LGBT couple, you're probably going to get lots of advice from straight friends and family who will tell you how a wedding should look and feel. 

Stand your ground.  It's your wedding, your vision and I'd hate for you to lose sight of that, and lose part of your identity in the process even if this means that you sometimes act like a Bridezilla.  You don't have to apologize for it, certainly not with us.  I hear from one partner at some point in every planning process, "I'm sorry I'm having a Bridezilla moment" or "I went so Bridezilla on my mother last night."  I'd much rather have that happen that have a couple upset that their vision has been compromised.  If you are our client, we take it all in stride.

Rock on, Bridezillas!

What's been your biggest Bridezilla or Groomzilla moment?

Wedding drama is certainly inevitable.  We must accept that as fact. Family issues, budget stress, decision-making challenges...but nothing seems to cause more anxiety than who to invite, and perhaps more importantly, who not to invite.

Creating a guest list should be one of the first things you do once you are ready to plan your wedding.  I tell my clients only to invite people who will be thrilled to support them.  In some cases, especially with family, this is easier said than done.  I had clients who were torn up because one of their aunts had signed the anti-gay marriage petition in Massachusetts, and her name was found on KnowThyNeighbor.org.  The aunt was invited anyway.  I am hopeful that witnessing that beautiful wedding changed her heart and mind (as it often does).

It's difficult knowing where to draw the line with your wedding guest list but you have to, and not only because of the budget implications!  Many couples even find themselves having to invite friends of their parents that they don't know very well.  Do you invite friends you haven't talked to in three or more years if the friendship has grown apart?  Do you have to invite everyone whose wedding you attended, even if it was many years ago and the friendship hasn't survived?  Do work colleagues get invited?  What about friends from high school and college that you reconnected with via Facebook?  And I'm not even going to address the "and guest" issue right now.  How do you draw the line in peace, without being judged?

I'm sorry to report that I don't have the answer. I can only empathize and let you know that I've gone through the same thing.  In our case, in part because of the maximum capacity of the venue, and because I wanted to invite my vast extended family, we hit limitations.  We decided not to invite work colleagues or parent friends, and we basically only invited friends who were currently active in our life.  I felt strongly about including some people from my past (who live out of state) who saw me through difficult times, and/or were a role model to me.  And that meant that others didn't make the cut.  It seems almost impossible not to offend someone.

You can read up about the A list and the B list of sending invitations.  I can tell you that logistically it's a bit awkward, but certainly an option, though not one we chose.

I should note that all of this is on my mind because I just discovered that I'd been defriended as a Facebook friend by someone who knows about the wedding, did not get invited, but to whom I'd once been close (there was no dramatic falling out, just a circumstance-related growing apart).  I got defriended and it hurts, but somehow I must have hurt her.  And unfortunately, there is the rub.