14 Stories

Traditionally, the mother of the bride or the maid of honor hosts a bridal shower (typically around lunchtime) for all the local ladies invited to the wedding. At the bridal shower, lots of gifts are opened, sometimes games are played, and sometimes the bride puts on a funny hat made of paper plates and gift bows. You don’t have to that, though it's a very cute and fun tradition.

Gay and lesbian couples who are already settled into a home (with several cabinets full of Crate and Barrel dishes), generally don’t want or have a wedding shower, as they probably already have everything they need. That’s great for those couples. It saves everyone some money and they are often very busy anyway.

Gay and lesbian couples who are just starting out and of a more typical marrying age are more likely to want a shower (both lesbian brides and gay grooms can have wedding showers).   These are still often thrown by moms or by attendants, and some of the same traditions hold true.  

Our shower was thrown by Jen’s mom. The idea was to do something a little nontraditional, so knowing the two of us, she threw us a dessert and champagne shower in the middle of the afternoon. The event was held at a restaurant that specializes in decadent desserts. Our attendants were in charge of the décor and the fun, so they created a “Bernadette and Jen trivia” game and they organized an inter-table competition. It was hilarious, and still very low-key.

To avoid creating a lot of attention, we opted for a display shower, in which the gifts are set up on display, unwrapped. Not only did we not have to be the center of attention while ooohing and ahhing over gifts, but we didn’t have to wear funny hats. I know our guests enjoyed this nontraditional take on the shower because it was different and fun.

Are you planning to have a wedding shower?

I realize that many of the readers of this blog don't have the resources for a wedding planner but still want to make sure that the vendors who are part of their wedding day are gay-owned, gay-friendly and otherwise supportive businesses.  We were in Montreal last weekend and the hotel's gay concierge made a reference to "pink dollars" before sending us to a gay-owned restaurant for brunch.

I know that's one reason that many couples hire 14 Stories over a conventional straight wedding planner, and I do my best to keep my clients dollars pink and support other gay-owned businesses.  So where do you start?

The reality is that most online gay wedding directories do not screen their vendors to make sure they are gay-friendly.

I strongly advise any couple planning their gay wedding to check out www.SoYoureEnGAYged.com.  All of the vendors are in this directory because they are tightly screened and proven to be inclusive.

Next up is QueerlyWed.com, another great resource with screened vendors and real gay wedding stories.

When you're calling vendors, don't be afraid to ask, "is this a gay-owned business?" and if the answer is no, follow up with "what is your experience with gay weddings?"

As a gay wedding planner who only works with screened vendors, I've asked those questions hundreds of times....it's awkward at first but you'll get the hang of it!

Are you trying to keep your dollars pink when planning your gay wedding?

In theory, there are some nice advantages to planning a wedding at your home or another private residence. The home could have a special meaning to you. You could save on a venue rental fee. You are not limited by an eight hour rental period and can set up and break down at your leisure. The party could go all night if you want.

But don’t be blinded by the advantages and think through these potential obstacles before making your final decision:

• How is your septic system? Can it handle 50 or more guests? Do you have 2 or more restrooms that guests can use? Will you have to rent portapotties or a luxury potatpotty trailer? 
• How is your parking situation? Is there enough parking for all of the vendors in the driveway. What about the guests? Will you have to hire a valet or rent a lot and provide shuttle service? 
• Is the home big enough for everyone to be inside for dinner and dancing? Or will you require a tent? Are you prepared to deal with the damage that tents (and the tent delivery truck) cause to the lawn? 
• Is there a good spot on the property for a wedding ceremony? What if it rains? 
• Are there any noise ordinances in the city or town where the wedding would be held? Are there nosey neighbors or neighbors who would call the cops to complain about noise? 
• Is there a large kitchen onsite? The caterer will have a lot of food to warm up or prepare and will need plenty of counter space and ovens. If you can’t offer that, the caterer may have to set up a catering tent and/or rent convection ovens. 
• How many amps of electricity does the home have? Are there some circuits with available power? If you are bringing in a tent, the lighting and heating of the tent requires significant power. If you are bringing in a DJ or band, they require significant power. So does a nice portapotty. Find out if you have enough power to provide or whether you will need to rent a generator. 
• Is the home in an area known to have poor drainage in the event or rain? Is it especially buggy in the summer and if so, can the property be sprayed? 

In general, unless it’s a very well equipped property or a wedding smaller than 50 guests, I advise against holding a wedding in someone’s home or on their property. The logistics can get very complicated and I would definitely suggest that you hire a wedding planner to make sure that all of these details are covered.

Please use a caterer for your wedding in a private residence. Don’t rely on your friends, family or let alone, yourself to prepare food. If you need to, you can prepare the food in advance and rent wait staff and bartenders to serve it – but please outsource at least some of this for your own sanity!

Are you planning to get married in a private home?

I had a call from someone yesterday looking for help with her wedding at the Arnold Arboretum in Jamaica Plain.  Jamaica Plain is a neighborhood in Boston and the Arboretum is a beautiful park with lots of scenic places to marry.

Unfortunately, in the Arnold Arboretum and other Boston and Cambridge-area parks, you can't have a ceremony in the park with any structures.  This means:  no tent, no tables, no chairs...well, maybe one or two chairs.  But you get the idea - your guests have to stand and you'll have to have a rain plan and be able to communicate it to your guests very effectively at the last minute.  

I personally love these types of wedding ceremonies which have a more casual, informal, organic feel - but keep in mind the needs of your guest list if this is what you have in mind.  85 year old grandmas often have a hard time standing for an outdoor wedding ceremony.

I've done extensive research and nearly all of the City of Boston's parks have no covering.  This means that, as much as the idea of a casual wedding in the Boston Public Garden sounds divine, you may get wet.

My advice:  if you are having a wedding with more than 20 guests, don't plan for the ceremony in a public park in the Boston area.  There are some really nice venues which have their own outdoor ceremony space where you can have chairs and where you can retreat in the event of rain.  But if you decide on a park, you'll need a permit.  The fee for Boston parks for Boston residents is $50 and $100 for non residents.

Are you planning to get married in a park?

Hopefully, if you're an organized planner, you won't have too much to do the week of your wedding.  These are typically the last minute things on my list:

• Write names on escort cards
• Finish welcome bags/baskets for out of town guests
• Print ceremony programs (though many of my clients don't use ceremony programs)
• Write out final payments for vendors
• Take out cash for vendor tips
• Wear your shoes around the house
• Pack for wedding night and for honeymoon
• Rehearse your ceremony

What's missing?

How about some quality couple time before the gay wedding?  How nice is it to not run around like a chicken with your head cut off and have some down time to enjoy your last few days as single people...this might mean getting a couples massage, manicures, pedicures, facials (yes, even for the grooms), or something as simple as a date night.  While there are no traditions around the week of a gay wedding, it's so nice to not stress through it all...

What projects will be left to do the week of your wedding?  Are you planning to take some time to relax together before the big day?

For the past six years, I've been tracking gay weddings, noting trends and keeping data.  In my independent analysis of nearly 200 lesbian couples, this is what they wore at their gay wedding: 

• 46% of lesbian couples wore one dress and one pants suit
• 42% of lesbian couples each wore a wedding gown (two gowns)
• 12% of lesbian couples each wore a pants suit (two suits or tuxes)

When you're a gay wedding and looking into photographers, you may see engagement shoots offered as part of the photographer's services.  I urge you to book an engagement shoot.  Why?

• This will give you some two one one time to get comfy with the photographer and his or her style and personality.  This level of comfort will make your wedding day photos even more spectacular.
• Your engagement photo(s) can be used on your save the date card or wedding website.  It gives your wedding a bit of personality.
• These photos can be used for a wedding announcement submitted to a local paper or LGBT magazine.  Many papers now have a "Celebrations" section, not just weddings - and the New York Times is a prime example.  Our wedding was featured in the New York Times.  That paper is very good about being inclusive - but they need your submissions!  Wedding announcements go a long way towards increasing LGBT visibility.  Lots of moms read the Wedding section!

There is a great organization that grants wedding wishes to couples where one party has a terminal illness, regardless of sexual orientation.  It's right in their mission statement:  Wish Upon a Wedding is dedicated to granting weddings and/or civil union ceremonies at destinations across the United States to couples who are facing terminal illness.

Earlier in the week I wrote about outdoor gay weddings and why you  must always have a rain plan.  I'm sick of the rain - but better now than during gay wedding season!

The most popular reading during gay wedding ceremonies has tremendous meaning. It's historical. It's beautifully written.  It speaks volumes about the significance of a marriage.  And it was written by a lawyer...