Weddings Redefined

For those couples whose gay wedding is around the corner, you're probably getting ready to taste some food, wine, beer and signature cocktails. A signature cocktail is a creation that is highlighted during cocktail hour, often passed by wait staff.  It is usually a pretty simple drink (don't overwhelm the bartenders) but it's nice to rename it in a way that is meaningful.

Remember - these are an area where you can personalize the guest experience.  Don't feel limited by the venue's wine list. Don't be afraid to ask for something off-list and find out what the fee is to bring something special in.

If you are lucky enough to bring your own bar to the wedding, the sky is the limit!  Consider a wine, beer or signature cocktail that goes along with your wedding theme.  Our July 3 wedding included a Liberty School Cabernet, for example.  

I encourage my clients to try wines and experiment with signature cocktails at home.  It's fun and good engaged-couple-bonding.  We had a small signature cocktail tasting party during our wedding planning and it was a blast.  

What signature cocktail will you be serving at your gay wedding?

When I am asked what my favorite part of a gay wedding is, my answer is easy: the wedding ceremony.
After all, as much fun as the party is, really it is just a party - and the day is truly about your marriage.

So, how do you make your same-sex wedding ceremony personal and uniquely you?  I'll start by telling some fun client stories:

• One of my first gay wedding clients ever had a pagan wedding. The brides processed together, holding hands, into a recorded version of "All You Need is Love".  The guest chairs were set up in a circle and they greeted their guests during their processional.  There were four altars at which there were blessings.  There was a traditional handfasting ritual and the wedding concluded with a jumping of the broom!  The brides had exactly the ceremony they envisioned and it was perfectly reflective of themselves.
• Another pair of brides had a ceremony co-officiated by an interfaith minister and a District Court Judge/noted civil rights attorney.  Their deeply personal, handwritten vows included phrases like, "I promise to walk with you at sunset every chance I get" and "I promise to take you to Italy at least once a year."  They processed out to a live flute and guitar version of "You Are the Sunshine of My Life" by Stevie Wonder.  Goosebumps! 
• Two grooms with a son had a dear friend officiate their wedding ceremony.  She came into Boston from California quite prepared but try as I might, I couldn't get the grooms to focus on writing their own vows (they had a lot going on in their lives!).  Even at the wedding rehearsal, they still had nothing scripted - nothing like the last minute!  The next day, the ceremony was flawless:  the grooms processed into a live "Trumpet Voluntary", holding their son's hand.  Their friend delivered a stunning ceremony script and the grooms presented before the other the most personal and heartfelt vows I'd ever heard.  There was not a dry eye in the room - and it was so clear why these two gentlemen were absolutely perfect for one another.
• A few years ago, two grooms held their gay wedding ceremony in their gorgeous living room with thirty friends and family members (who had been drinking champagne and having nibbles for 45 minutes).  The 25 minute same-sex wedding ceremony was scripted and delivered by a Celebrant who beautifully told the story of their relationship after asking them to complete individual questionnaires and spending quality time learning about their lives together.  One of the readings was from the book Giovanni's Room, one of the groom's favorite novels...
• ...and after that wedding ceremony, my (now) wife Jen was convinced that ours should be deeply personal and memorable as well.  We hired that Celebrant (Cindy Matchett) to officiate our own wedding.  

I’ve planned many weddings for gay and lesbian couples with children—or with children on the way—or where lots of children were welcome. You’ll want to be sure to hire one or more babysitters who can provide toys and DVDs for the younger children, in particular. Here are some more tips for planning a family friendly wedding:

• Choose a venue that has a room where a babysitter can set up. If you can’t set aside a children’s room, set up a table for children’s activities. This table can include crayons and coloring books, toys and puzzles. Put the babysitter (or someone else) in charge of this area. 
• Communicate with your caterer about the number of children who will be attending, their approximate ages, and any needs you may have for high chairs, booster seats, cups with plastic lids and children’s food (pizza, chicken fingers, grilled cheese, sliced fruit and French fries are always popular). 
• Hire children’s entertainers to distract the children so the adults can play. I work with an outstanding entertainer who has a Jedi Knight Training show and a Hogwarts Academy show that is appropriate for kids under the age of ten. The shows are perfect for weddings. 
• Coordinate with your band or DJ to play kid-friendly songs (for example, you may want to pass on “Baby Got Back” in favor of “The Hokey Pokey”). I asked one band to play the theme song to the show The Fairly OddParents during the reception. The kids loved it. 

There are some really creative ways to involve kids in the ceremony itself. If you do have one or more children, you can acknowledge them in your vows, or make a vow to the child/children. If you have a unity ritual, a third candle can represent the child/children. Your officiant can help you find the best way to incorporate kids into your wedding ceremony, should you choose to do so.

Are you inviting kids to your wedding?

• Are ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends invited? I know the lesbians tend to love to keep in touch with their exes! 
• Do you invite friends you haven’t talked to in three or more years if the friendship has grown apart? 
• Do you have to invite everyone whose wedding you attended, even if it was many years ago and the friendship hasn’t survived? 
• Do your work colleagues get invited? 
• What about friends from high school and college that you‘ve reconnected with via Facebook or another social networking site? 
• Do you invite children? Do you let babies come? 
• Do you ask your single friends to bring a guest? (a plus-one in Sex and the City speak). What if they are in a serious relationship but not living together? What if they are in a serious relationship and living together? What if they seem to have no hope of being in a serious relationship any time soon? 
• Are friends and neighbors of your parents invited? Your parents may want to honor some of their dearest friends with an invitation—but then again, some parents don’t want to draw attention to their child’s gay wedding.
• Are your parents’ work colleagues invited?

Of course bachelor and bachelorette parties are heterosexual traditions but they’re also a really good time—and another excuse for a party.

Here again, couples who are more settled tend not to have these parties, while couples that are starting out and of more typical marrying age often do.

Being a same-sex couple can mean that you have a joint party or two separate parties. If you have separate groups of friends, separate parties are generally the way to go. But if your friends are merged, then I like a big party.

Jen and I chose to party together over an informal dinner, followed by a trip to a strip club (the most tasteful one in the city, if you can believe it). We were both on our best behavior (look, don’t touch) and a great time was had by all.

A good compromise is what one of my clients is doing:  partying independently and meeting up at a club at the end of the night. 

Some couples who party separately have a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” (a “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” kind of thing). If you plan on misbehaving that’s not a bad plan—just don’t drunk-dial or drunk-text at the end of the night. No unnecessary drama, right!

Are you planning to have a bachelor or bachelorette party?

Traditionally, the mother of the bride or the maid of honor hosts a bridal shower (typically around lunchtime) for all the local ladies invited to the wedding. At the bridal shower, lots of gifts are opened, sometimes games are played, and sometimes the bride puts on a funny hat made of paper plates and gift bows. You don’t have to that, though it's a very cute and fun tradition.

Gay and lesbian couples who are already settled into a home (with several cabinets full of Crate and Barrel dishes), generally don’t want or have a wedding shower, as they probably already have everything they need. That’s great for those couples. It saves everyone some money and they are often very busy anyway.

Gay and lesbian couples who are just starting out and of a more typical marrying age are more likely to want a shower (both lesbian brides and gay grooms can have wedding showers).   These are still often thrown by moms or by attendants, and some of the same traditions hold true.  

Our shower was thrown by Jen’s mom. The idea was to do something a little nontraditional, so knowing the two of us, she threw us a dessert and champagne shower in the middle of the afternoon. The event was held at a restaurant that specializes in decadent desserts. Our attendants were in charge of the décor and the fun, so they created a “Bernadette and Jen trivia” game and they organized an inter-table competition. It was hilarious, and still very low-key.

To avoid creating a lot of attention, we opted for a display shower, in which the gifts are set up on display, unwrapped. Not only did we not have to be the center of attention while ooohing and ahhing over gifts, but we didn’t have to wear funny hats. I know our guests enjoyed this nontraditional take on the shower because it was different and fun.

Are you planning to have a wedding shower?

I realize that many of the readers of this blog don't have the resources for a wedding planner but still want to make sure that the vendors who are part of their wedding day are gay-owned, gay-friendly and otherwise supportive businesses.  We were in Montreal last weekend and the hotel's gay concierge made a reference to "pink dollars" before sending us to a gay-owned restaurant for brunch.

I know that's one reason that many couples hire 14 Stories over a conventional straight wedding planner, and I do my best to keep my clients dollars pink and support other gay-owned businesses.  So where do you start?

The reality is that most online gay wedding directories do not screen their vendors to make sure they are gay-friendly.

I strongly advise any couple planning their gay wedding to check out www.SoYoureEnGAYged.com.  All of the vendors are in this directory because they are tightly screened and proven to be inclusive.

Next up is QueerlyWed.com, another great resource with screened vendors and real gay wedding stories.

When you're calling vendors, don't be afraid to ask, "is this a gay-owned business?" and if the answer is no, follow up with "what is your experience with gay weddings?"

As a gay wedding planner who only works with screened vendors, I've asked those questions hundreds of times....it's awkward at first but you'll get the hang of it!

Are you trying to keep your dollars pink when planning your gay wedding?

In theory, there are some nice advantages to planning a wedding at your home or another private residence. The home could have a special meaning to you. You could save on a venue rental fee. You are not limited by an eight hour rental period and can set up and break down at your leisure. The party could go all night if you want.

But don’t be blinded by the advantages and think through these potential obstacles before making your final decision:

• How is your septic system? Can it handle 50 or more guests? Do you have 2 or more restrooms that guests can use? Will you have to rent portapotties or a luxury potatpotty trailer? 
• How is your parking situation? Is there enough parking for all of the vendors in the driveway. What about the guests? Will you have to hire a valet or rent a lot and provide shuttle service? 
• Is the home big enough for everyone to be inside for dinner and dancing? Or will you require a tent? Are you prepared to deal with the damage that tents (and the tent delivery truck) cause to the lawn? 
• Is there a good spot on the property for a wedding ceremony? What if it rains? 
• Are there any noise ordinances in the city or town where the wedding would be held? Are there nosey neighbors or neighbors who would call the cops to complain about noise? 
• Is there a large kitchen onsite? The caterer will have a lot of food to warm up or prepare and will need plenty of counter space and ovens. If you can’t offer that, the caterer may have to set up a catering tent and/or rent convection ovens. 
• How many amps of electricity does the home have? Are there some circuits with available power? If you are bringing in a tent, the lighting and heating of the tent requires significant power. If you are bringing in a DJ or band, they require significant power. So does a nice portapotty. Find out if you have enough power to provide or whether you will need to rent a generator. 
• Is the home in an area known to have poor drainage in the event or rain? Is it especially buggy in the summer and if so, can the property be sprayed? 

In general, unless it’s a very well equipped property or a wedding smaller than 50 guests, I advise against holding a wedding in someone’s home or on their property. The logistics can get very complicated and I would definitely suggest that you hire a wedding planner to make sure that all of these details are covered.

Please use a caterer for your wedding in a private residence. Don’t rely on your friends, family or let alone, yourself to prepare food. If you need to, you can prepare the food in advance and rent wait staff and bartenders to serve it – but please outsource at least some of this for your own sanity!

Are you planning to get married in a private home?

I had a call from someone yesterday looking for help with her wedding at the Arnold Arboretum in Jamaica Plain.  Jamaica Plain is a neighborhood in Boston and the Arboretum is a beautiful park with lots of scenic places to marry.

Unfortunately, in the Arnold Arboretum and other Boston and Cambridge-area parks, you can't have a ceremony in the park with any structures.  This means:  no tent, no tables, no chairs...well, maybe one or two chairs.  But you get the idea - your guests have to stand and you'll have to have a rain plan and be able to communicate it to your guests very effectively at the last minute.  

I personally love these types of wedding ceremonies which have a more casual, informal, organic feel - but keep in mind the needs of your guest list if this is what you have in mind.  85 year old grandmas often have a hard time standing for an outdoor wedding ceremony.

I've done extensive research and nearly all of the City of Boston's parks have no covering.  This means that, as much as the idea of a casual wedding in the Boston Public Garden sounds divine, you may get wet.

My advice:  if you are having a wedding with more than 20 guests, don't plan for the ceremony in a public park in the Boston area.  There are some really nice venues which have their own outdoor ceremony space where you can have chairs and where you can retreat in the event of rain.  But if you decide on a park, you'll need a permit.  The fee for Boston parks for Boston residents is $50 and $100 for non residents.

Are you planning to get married in a park?

Hopefully, if you're an organized planner, you won't have too much to do the week of your wedding.  These are typically the last minute things on my list:

• Write names on escort cards
• Finish welcome bags/baskets for out of town guests
• Print ceremony programs (though many of my clients don't use ceremony programs)
• Write out final payments for vendors
• Take out cash for vendor tips
• Wear your shoes around the house
• Pack for wedding night and for honeymoon
• Rehearse your ceremony

What's missing?

How about some quality couple time before the gay wedding?  How nice is it to not run around like a chicken with your head cut off and have some down time to enjoy your last few days as single people...this might mean getting a couples massage, manicures, pedicures, facials (yes, even for the grooms), or something as simple as a date night.  While there are no traditions around the week of a gay wedding, it's so nice to not stress through it all...

What projects will be left to do the week of your wedding?  Are you planning to take some time to relax together before the big day?