14 Stories

The little guy serving as the ring bearer usually isn’t asked to do too much. He will often walk next to the flower girl during the processional while holding the pillow with the wedding rings.

If you do have a ring bearer, there’s a product that’s a great alternative to the traditional ring pillow. Our clients love it!

Paloma’s Nest is a company that created the Original Ring Bearer Bowl, a ceramic bowl that can have your choice of wording. It’s adorable and truly an heirloom wedding item. The bowls can be purchased at www.PalomasNest.com.



Note that we do not accept paid endorsements so our love of this product comes from the kindness of our heart!

I just returned from Miami where I coordinated a gay wedding celebration on July 3 for a couple who were first legally married in Massachusetts.  What an awesome wedding that was!  It's HOT in South Florida right now but it was a great day.

So that brings me to a question:  what are some pros and cons of having a wedding on a holiday or holiday weekend?

Pros:

• You have two evenings (typically the Saturday and the Sunday) for a great party.
• More time to recover before work, typically on Tuesday.
• More time to spend with your guests over an entire weekend/more events where everyone can be together.

Cons:

• Often more expensive for your guests to travel, if applicable.
• Hotel rooms may be more expensive.
• Some vendors may charge more than usual (though typically only for winter holidays).

Towards the end of wedding planning with my same-sex couples, I create a very detailed schedule for my client which includes a list of final payments, tip amounts and a packing list.  The packing list is very important...here are some things you don't want to forget when you are gathering everything together for your wedding day.  I ask my clients to have these for me all together at the rehearsal:

• guestbook
• nice pen
• other ceremonial items such as:  unity candle; glass for breaking if you have a Jewish wedding; Ketubah, Foundation Covenant or other sacred text, if applicable
• wedding favors
• escort cards or seating chart and/or place cards
• marriage license
• dress shoes
• champagne flutes if you are providing your own
• cake knife and server if you are providing your own
• ring bearer bowl or pillow if you have a ring bearer
• table name or table number signs (if related to your theme and not provided by the venue)
• diagram/floor plan of the venue telling me which table = which table name or number so I know which gets which sign
• master list with names of each table and names of guests at each
• photos of your family or yourselves through the years for display throughout the venue or on a special table, if applicable (nice touch!)
• checks and tips
• ceremony programs
• if you don't have a planner:  a detailed schedule for the day; copies of all vendor contracts; list of groups for formal wedding photographs; 

Right now I'm working with a lesbian couple planning for a Scottish-themed gay wedding, complete with dark red and hunter green tartan colors.  They originally booked a historic home with classic furniture and decor to complement their theme.  

We just found out that the venue has been sold and the Great Room where the ceremony and dancing will be held has been painted turquoise...not exactly a match to dark red and hunter green. In addition, the furniture has been removed and replaced with contemporary sofas and glass tables. It looks good, don't get me wrong - but it clashes with my client's wedding.

Fortunately we have six months to resolve this and may need to find another venue for their gay wedding.  But when wedding venues are sold, there's no guarantee a couple is going to get what they originally signed on for.  Venue contracts say nothing about changing the decor.  Couples are out of luck if the current or new owner changes decor on a whim.  

I have plan for solving this problem - but tell me in the comments, what would you do?

I don't know how couples who don't have a wedding planner execute their wedding well.  Obviously I'm biased but when it comes to the wedding day, I run a tight ship and my clients' weddings run on time, all the time.  If we run late, then we always catch up.  We have five (sometimes six) hours to get it right and we don't mess around.  It's all about the flow and that's what the guests remember.

In every wedding blog or magazine, the images you'll see are mostly the details - the stationery, the cake, the favors, the shoes, the socks, the dress.  And the details are important and certainly memorable.  I always encourage a cohesive design vision.  I'll tell you that some of the guests don't even notice.  But what they do notice is...

• the first thing they see, hear or are encouraged to do the moment they enter the venue
• whether your wedding starts on time
• the length and tempo of the ceremony
• the food at cocktail hour
• how long they have to stand around before they can have a seat
• how easy or difficult it is to be seated
• traffic/congestion/crowds at the bar, food stations, buffet, receiving line, etc
• the customer service by every single staff member
• the music
• how long it takes to receive their meals
• how long the toasts are
• whether or not they know/like the other guests at their dinner table
• how soon they get to dance
• how the night ends

For those couples whose gay wedding is around the corner, you're probably getting ready to taste some food, wine, beer and signature cocktails. A signature cocktail is a creation that is highlighted during cocktail hour, often passed by wait staff.  It is usually a pretty simple drink (don't overwhelm the bartenders) but it's nice to rename it in a way that is meaningful.

Remember - these are an area where you can personalize the guest experience.  Don't feel limited by the venue's wine list. Don't be afraid to ask for something off-list and find out what the fee is to bring something special in.

If you are lucky enough to bring your own bar to the wedding, the sky is the limit!  Consider a wine, beer or signature cocktail that goes along with your wedding theme.  Our July 3 wedding included a Liberty School Cabernet, for example.  

I encourage my clients to try wines and experiment with signature cocktails at home.  It's fun and good engaged-couple-bonding.  We had a small signature cocktail tasting party during our wedding planning and it was a blast.  

What signature cocktail will you be serving at your gay wedding?

When I am asked what my favorite part of a gay wedding is, my answer is easy: the wedding ceremony.
After all, as much fun as the party is, really it is just a party - and the day is truly about your marriage.

So, how do you make your same-sex wedding ceremony personal and uniquely you?  I'll start by telling some fun client stories:

• One of my first gay wedding clients ever had a pagan wedding. The brides processed together, holding hands, into a recorded version of "All You Need is Love".  The guest chairs were set up in a circle and they greeted their guests during their processional.  There were four altars at which there were blessings.  There was a traditional handfasting ritual and the wedding concluded with a jumping of the broom!  The brides had exactly the ceremony they envisioned and it was perfectly reflective of themselves.
• Another pair of brides had a ceremony co-officiated by an interfaith minister and a District Court Judge/noted civil rights attorney.  Their deeply personal, handwritten vows included phrases like, "I promise to walk with you at sunset every chance I get" and "I promise to take you to Italy at least once a year."  They processed out to a live flute and guitar version of "You Are the Sunshine of My Life" by Stevie Wonder.  Goosebumps! 
• Two grooms with a son had a dear friend officiate their wedding ceremony.  She came into Boston from California quite prepared but try as I might, I couldn't get the grooms to focus on writing their own vows (they had a lot going on in their lives!).  Even at the wedding rehearsal, they still had nothing scripted - nothing like the last minute!  The next day, the ceremony was flawless:  the grooms processed into a live "Trumpet Voluntary", holding their son's hand.  Their friend delivered a stunning ceremony script and the grooms presented before the other the most personal and heartfelt vows I'd ever heard.  There was not a dry eye in the room - and it was so clear why these two gentlemen were absolutely perfect for one another.
• A few years ago, two grooms held their gay wedding ceremony in their gorgeous living room with thirty friends and family members (who had been drinking champagne and having nibbles for 45 minutes).  The 25 minute same-sex wedding ceremony was scripted and delivered by a Celebrant who beautifully told the story of their relationship after asking them to complete individual questionnaires and spending quality time learning about their lives together.  One of the readings was from the book Giovanni's Room, one of the groom's favorite novels...
• ...and after that wedding ceremony, my (now) wife Jen was convinced that ours should be deeply personal and memorable as well.  We hired that Celebrant (Cindy Matchett) to officiate our own wedding.  

I’ve planned many weddings for gay and lesbian couples with children—or with children on the way—or where lots of children were welcome. You’ll want to be sure to hire one or more babysitters who can provide toys and DVDs for the younger children, in particular. Here are some more tips for planning a family friendly wedding:

• Choose a venue that has a room where a babysitter can set up. If you can’t set aside a children’s room, set up a table for children’s activities. This table can include crayons and coloring books, toys and puzzles. Put the babysitter (or someone else) in charge of this area. 
• Communicate with your caterer about the number of children who will be attending, their approximate ages, and any needs you may have for high chairs, booster seats, cups with plastic lids and children’s food (pizza, chicken fingers, grilled cheese, sliced fruit and French fries are always popular). 
• Hire children’s entertainers to distract the children so the adults can play. I work with an outstanding entertainer who has a Jedi Knight Training show and a Hogwarts Academy show that is appropriate for kids under the age of ten. The shows are perfect for weddings. 
• Coordinate with your band or DJ to play kid-friendly songs (for example, you may want to pass on “Baby Got Back” in favor of “The Hokey Pokey”). I asked one band to play the theme song to the show The Fairly OddParents during the reception. The kids loved it. 

There are some really creative ways to involve kids in the ceremony itself. If you do have one or more children, you can acknowledge them in your vows, or make a vow to the child/children. If you have a unity ritual, a third candle can represent the child/children. Your officiant can help you find the best way to incorporate kids into your wedding ceremony, should you choose to do so.

Are you inviting kids to your wedding?

• Are ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends invited? I know the lesbians tend to love to keep in touch with their exes! 
• Do you invite friends you haven’t talked to in three or more years if the friendship has grown apart? 
• Do you have to invite everyone whose wedding you attended, even if it was many years ago and the friendship hasn’t survived? 
• Do your work colleagues get invited? 
• What about friends from high school and college that you‘ve reconnected with via Facebook or another social networking site? 
• Do you invite children? Do you let babies come? 
• Do you ask your single friends to bring a guest? (a plus-one in Sex and the City speak). What if they are in a serious relationship but not living together? What if they are in a serious relationship and living together? What if they seem to have no hope of being in a serious relationship any time soon? 
• Are friends and neighbors of your parents invited? Your parents may want to honor some of their dearest friends with an invitation—but then again, some parents don’t want to draw attention to their child’s gay wedding.
• Are your parents’ work colleagues invited?

Of course bachelor and bachelorette parties are heterosexual traditions but they’re also a really good time—and another excuse for a party.

Here again, couples who are more settled tend not to have these parties, while couples that are starting out and of more typical marrying age often do.

Being a same-sex couple can mean that you have a joint party or two separate parties. If you have separate groups of friends, separate parties are generally the way to go. But if your friends are merged, then I like a big party.

Jen and I chose to party together over an informal dinner, followed by a trip to a strip club (the most tasteful one in the city, if you can believe it). We were both on our best behavior (look, don’t touch) and a great time was had by all.

A good compromise is what one of my clients is doing:  partying independently and meeting up at a club at the end of the night. 

Some couples who party separately have a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” (a “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” kind of thing). If you plan on misbehaving that’s not a bad plan—just don’t drunk-dial or drunk-text at the end of the night. No unnecessary drama, right!

Are you planning to have a bachelor or bachelorette party?