14 Stories

I have new clients for whom I'm planning a 200+ guest gay wedding on Fire Island in the Pines.  Gay wedding planning on Fire Island requires a mastery of logistics - there are very few resources on the island itself - and most cars (except for the essentials and year-round residents) are not allowed.  We'll have to charter a boat and ship in every table, every chair, light and sound equipment, caterer's equipment, furniture, etc. - but fortunately I have experience with such challenges.

Another consideration for Fire Island is that there are about 700 houses but no real working hotel (yet...there's a small one that is being renovated and promises to be beautifully done and open for 2012).  So, we'll have to reserve a bunch of these houses (many of which are vacation rentals) for wedding guests.  And the only wedding-appropriate structure for a large wedding upwards of 200 guests is Whyte Hall, some photos of which I took below.  Fortunately, Whyte Hall is a fantastic space.

I'm really excited about my new clients and planning a gay wedding in the Fire Island Pines.  Check out the photos below for some inspiration:

the path from the beach to Whyte Hall from the ocean side

Whyte Hall, interior (stage)

Whyte Hall interior

Whyte Hall exterior

Whyte Hall exterior

the ceremony location on the beach

Cocktail party style weddings are very trendy right now, particularly with couples who want to do something nontraditional. While sit down dinners are great, they are not for everyone. This style of wedding can work extremely well - or it can be a disaster. Keep these tips on mind to avoid the pitfalls of such a wedding.

1. Feed your guests - a lot. Just because it's a cocktail party style event doesn't mean you can skimp on food. Whether you have passed hors d'oeuvres all night or some good stations mixed in, keep the food flowing. Your food budget will probably not be less than a typical sit down dinner, so get that idea out of your head!  Your guests may be drinking more of the hard stuff since there's no tableside wine service with dinner so you have to keep them well fed. The last thing you want is guests bad-mouthing you because they had to go out for pizza on the way home from the wedding.

2. Provide enough seating. I suggest seats for at least 50% of your guests. These seats can be lounge seats, small cocktail tables, bar seating, picnic benches or whatever floats your boat - but at some point each guest will want to sit so don't leave them hunting for a chair.  If you have many guests over the age of 60, then provide even more seating.

3. Provide adequate flow. Just because it's a cocktail party doesn't mean there shouldn't be a first dance, toasts, a cake cutting or other forms of entertainment. You may have some wallflowers in your group who need conversation starters and those elements do just that. Don't let anyone get bored or the party will end early. I promise.

4. Be aware of time. Most wedding venues rent for a 5 hour reception.  Your guests will start to lose steam at the 3-4 hour mark unless there is dancing - but many cocktail party style weddings don't have dancing.  Don't tell the guests this, but plan for a 4 hour reception and make a game day decision to keep the party going if guests are still having a blast. Tell your vendors that this could be a last minute decision and assign your wedding planner or friend to make the call so you don't have to worry about a thing.

5. Communicate with your guests. Let them know it's a cocktail party rather than a sit down dinner by using the term 'cocktail reception' on your wedding invitation. This sends a signal that they may get less food and that they may want to wear more sensible shoes because of all the standing around. Help everybody by managing their expectations.

Are you planning to host a cocktail reception instead a formal dinner?

(photo by Katje Hempel)

Over the summer we agreed to provide expert wedding planning advice to same-sex couples being profiled by New York magazine.  I was given a lesbian couple, told their story and their scenario for a beach wedding next fall and asked to provide advice as if they were actual clients.  I gave them the full scoop which included some tough love, unfortunately!  Based on their wedding budget, $15,000, and their vision, I suggested they chop their guest list in half...check out the article and see what they thought of my advice.

If you're in New York City on October 20, please join me at the Learning Annex for my Weddings Redefined workshop on gay wedding planning!

In this class, I'll discuss the nuts and bolts of wedding planning, reinforcing the concept that your wedding is uniquely yours, with your vision, your personality and your own traditions. 

You’ll learn: 

• Money saving tips 
• Timeline for top priorities – venue, officiant, save the dates & money saving tips 
• Budget 
• How to personalize your wedding 
• Gay Wedding Traditions 
• And more! 

This highly interactive workshop and Q&A with the experts will leave you with the confidence and tools to plan your own same-sex wedding.

You can sign up for the workshop right here!

I'm normally one to say something like "screw the rules and reinvent the wedding" and we do - every day with the gay weddings we produce.  But anyone who knows me knows my obsession with wedding ceremonies and the wedding flow, so I really do believe a great wedding should follow some simple rules because, no matter how beautiful your 20 foot bar is, it makes no difference to your guests if they are waiting in line 20 minutes for a cocktail.

My rules for planning a fabulous gay wedding:

1.  Care about the ceremony and put some thought into it.  After all, if you really think about it, gay weddings change the world and it all starts with the celebration of marriage.

2. Think about the guests' experience.  How do they know where to go, where to park, where to walk?  What is the first thing they see, hear, touch, taste, smell and experience when they enter the space?  How do they feel welcome and accommodated?

3. Hire enough bartenders and order enough food.  Cocktail hour is the busiest time of a wedding.  If you don't have enough bartenders, your guests will get annoyed.  If you are afraid that there will be a huge line at the bar, then have servers passing some drinks to guests.  Order enough food so that the guests aren't waiting for food to come out of the kitchen and the hors d'oeuvres don't run out before cocktail hour is over.  Don't skimp!

4.  Make your wedding interactive and provide conversation starters, particularly if you pass on wedding traditions.  Don't just have dinner and dancing but add enough elements so your guests aren't bored.

5.  Be Yourselves.  These rules can be interpreted and personalized any way you want - it's your wedding and your expression of your relationship and now, marriage.  It's not your mom's or sister's gay wedding.  Follow your heart and your instinct and put your own stamp on the experience.

Do you think these rules are too strict?  What rules are you following for your own wedding day?

(one of the happy couples that followed my rules - photo by Closed Circle Photography)

Most of us have been to a bunch of straight weddings and now that you're planning your own gay wedding, it seems obvious to look to those straight weddings for inspiration. After all, it's what we grew up knowing.  I've been talking to a bunch of couples lately who are struggling with what traditions to keep and what to ditch when planning their own wedding.  I'm personally in favor of reinvention...this blog is called, after all, "Weddings Redefined"!

Let's start by examining some of the traditions we've seen over the years:

...couple doesn't see each other before the ceremony, an often religious ceremony, photos during cocktail hour, a long break between the ceremony and reception, the wedding party introduction, the first dance, father-daughter dance, mother-son dance, dinner, toasts, dancing, line dances, garter toss, bouquet toss, cake cutting, yadda yadda yadda...maybe a Horah for good measure...

I've planned hundreds of gay weddings and I can tell you that we skip a bunch of these things!! SOMETIMES my couples will do a first dance and cake cutting, but that's about it! If parent dances happen, they typically happen spontaneously, rather than to a specific song. Formal photos typically happen before the ceremony.

As far as I'm concerned (and most of my clients agree), when it comes to these elements, turn them on their head! Why introduce the wedding party? It's your day and you may not even have a wedding party. Why do photos during cocktail hour when you can enjoy a cocktail with your closest friends and family?

And if you really want to be traditional, consider some Gay Wedding Traditions - yes, there are some!

What traditions are you keeping and what are you ditching?

(photo by Kat Hempel)

I just had a wedding cancel today.  It was supposed to happen this Tuesday in New York City but the grooms' flight is on Sunday and they expect Hurricane Irene-related travel issues.  I'm running around now cancelling flowers, cancelling the officiant, the wedding cake, the limo and telling my assistant he has to stay home!  I'm trying to get refunds or transfer deposits to the new date.

They sure are glad they have a wedding planner to deal with this stuff for them!

So, let's talk about what you should do in this situation, starting with things you can do to plan ahead:

1.  Always have a rain plan.  Always.  We have offices in Boston and New York where the weather is unpredictable, unlike say, California.  We are used to renting tents, dance floors, cook tents, generators and so forth.  Make sure your rain plan includes a location for the ceremony and cocktail hour, not just the reception and make sure your tent has sides! 

2.  Buy wedding insurance.  I like Wedsafe.  For a few hundred bucks, it's great for peace of mind.  Basically, in the event of an "act of God" such as a hurricane, you'll get the money you've paid for the wedding back.  If you live in an area where natural disasters or major storms are an annual (or semi-annual) occurrence, it's a good investment.  And hopefully, of course, you'll never have to submit a claim.

3.  If possible, avoid choosing a wedding date during obviously risky weather seasons, especially if you have many guests traveling to attend.  This is exactly why we have so few winter weddings (November-March) in New York and New England...our snowstorms are unpredictable.  Now, hurricane season is so long and hurricanes so seldom make their way this far north, so planning a wedding this time of year is completely reasonable.

4.  Review the "Force Majeure" clauses contained in most vendor contracts.  This clause protects everyone in the event of a natural disasters and explains the policy for rescheduling.

5.  Hire a wedding planner so you don't have to deal with any of this stuff yourself!

Have you ever had to cancel or reschedule a major event like a wedding, because of a storm or other weather issue?

Gay weddings are a destination business.  Many couples plan their wedding in a place where it's legal from clear across the country.  We've had clients from about 30 U.S. states.  It's definitely a challenge finding the right team of people to work with when you live somewhere else, especially if you are concerned about minimizing the number of planning trips you have to take to your wedding destination.  

So, whether you are planning a New York gay wedding, a Boston or Provincetown gay wedding, or going to Vermont or somewhere else, there are a few tips that are notable:

1.  Make those trips count.  You should be exhausted by the end!  You should book yourselves solid during those few days you are planning.  Maybe you've scheduled 10 venue site visits.  If you haven't, then you should on your first trip.  And don't stop there.  Meet as many photographers, bakers, etc during each visit as you can.  You should return home with a bunch of things crossed off your list of things to do.

2.  Prioritize.  What types of vendors are you most comfortable hiring over the phone or by email?  Some of my clients are cool dealing with floral and music by phone and email.  Some need to meet every single person they hire.  For example, tasting cake and have a catering tasting during your visits are important.  Make your appointments wisely.  

3.  Skype!  Skype is your friend.  Most of us in the wedding industry are used to Skyping with our clients, so if you can't meet personally with every vendor, then Skype is the next best thing so you can get some face time.

4. Hire a wedding planner (preferably one experienced with gay weddings)!  Of course, this makes everything easier so that your trips are well organized and your time is well spent.

5. Consolidate your appointments.  During your last trip before the wedding, get everybody in the same room at the same time so that you can all be on the same page and talk through the wedding schedule, flow and design together.  Some vendors (like the photographer and baker) don't need to be there, but if you can get the caterer, florist, wedding planner and venue manager there, that's an excellent use of your time.

Are you planing a long distance destination wedding?

(photo of one of our weddings planned long distance, by Kat Hempel)

So, you're getting married.  But maybe you've already been together for 20 years and have a kitchen full of Crate and Barrel stuff.  Or maybe you think asking for wedding gifts is gauche.  Or maybe you don't want to fill out (yet, another) form that says "Bride" and "Groom".  I heard from a groom recently who complained that when they registered for gifts at a major retailer, one of them had to be the "bride" on the form, and he's since been bombarded with promotions for brides-only!

Here are the 14 Stories picks for best places to register for your wedding, if you want to do the non-traditional route:

1.  Newlywish.  Ok, so you want gifts.  But you prefer more unique items and prefer to support local businesses - or at least don't want to worry about a form that says Bride and Groom.  Check out Newlywish, where you can register across many awesome retailers, and where your guests can have an easy, seamless shopping experience for you.  You can even register for experiences like museum memberships and sporting events.  You can't buy that at Macy's.

2.  Honeyfund.  You have the kitchen-full of copper cookware already but know your guests will insist on buying you something.  How about contributing towards your honeymoon?  Our clients set up honeymoon registries all the time and Honeyfund is my favorite site for it.  They don't make you book your honeymoon travel plans through the site but your guests contribute towards experiences you expect you'll have on your honeymoon - like a romantic dinner for two or a couples massage.  Customize your Honeyfund page any way you wish.  Your guests buy you honeymoon experiences and you get a check from Honeyfund.  Can't beat that.

3.  HRC. Whether it's the HRC or  Freedom to Marry or MENY or another charity, many couples choose to set up a charitable wedding registry instead of a gift registry.  HRC and MENY make it easy with their own registry page that your guests can visit to see your profile and make a donation.  Help other same-sex couples get equal marriage rights by supporting the work of these fabulous nonprofits!

Did you choose to register for gifts?  If so, where?

If you are newly engaged and planning a New York gay wedding, Boston gay wedding, Provincetown gay wedding, or anywhere else, you first have to start by creating a guest list.  Here are some important Dos and Don'ts when creating your guest list:

Do first think about your budget.  Feeding and providing alcohol to all those people adds up, so first think about how many people you can afford to invite. 

Do only invite people you actually want there.  Skip the people who you feel like you have to invite out of obligation - and you can even skip "plus ones" if you don't actually know who the guest would be.

Do set policies and stick with them.  Be consistent in the "rules" you set.  For example, are kids invited?  Are co-workers invited?  Are exes invited?

Don't let your parents/family be pushy about the guest list...even if they are helping to pay.  This means that if your parents are involved in the wedding and want to invite their co-workers, neighbors and friends (which is pretty unusual, by the way), stand your ground!

Don't invite people who don't support gay marriage.  This means that if your Great Aunt Ellen signs anti-gay marriage petitions, then she shouldn't make the cut - unless you think she's flexible or could be convinced.

(photo by Michael Manning).

What are the policies you're setting for your own wedding?