14 Stories

One of the questions I often get from couples and clients and reporters and anyone curious about gay weddings is, "what is normal?"  "What does a gay wedding look like?"  This is one of the reasons I developed a seminar for engaged same-sex couples and another seminar for those in the wedding industry hoping to work with them.

I have a lot of answers to this question and will be posting them in the coming week or so.  But this question is coming up in Iowa right now - couples never expected this day will come and don't know what to do to prepare or how to make their wedding special.  In fact, I went to an event last night where I heard a story of an Iowa couple who came to Massachusetts to get married one week before the ruling came down.  For most, the ruling was a complete shock.  And as of this past Monday, same-sex couples in Iowa began applying for their marriage licenses and are now thinking, "Now what?  How the heck do I plan a gay wedding?"

Any wedding, gay or straight, should be about the personality and style of the couple - don't let anyone tell you differently.  The fundamental decisions are the same: you still have to think about how much to spend and who to invite, and where to have the celebration (though with same-sex weddings, those decisions are often complicated by fears related to coming out or homophobia).

But everyone wants to hear about the differences, not the similarities - I'll get into a lot of these but let's start with the rings...  Many (but not all, of course) gay and lesbian couples don't wear engagement rings.  But for those who wear engagement rings, who proposes?  Does that person then get proposed back to with their own engagement ring?  Sorry I don't have any answers on this one.  Many just wear wedding bands, but walking into a jewelry store with your lesbian fiancee or wife looking for a wedding band can be intimidating to say the least, especially if you would like a nontraditional band.  Call around ahead of time to gauge the temperature of your local jewelers about working with same-sex couples.  They may be great, or you may encounter an awkward pause or there may be outright homophobia but at least you are dealing with it on the phone rather than face to face.  So while there is no standard "gay engagement ring" or "gay wedding band", this can be one of the first areas where you as a couple can express your personality through your wedding.  And in the coming week, I'll be talking about many more.

I've produced so many weddings by now that I have excellent instincts about the art of wedding production.  One of the "rules" I have for most couples is: 2-4 toasts, max. Designate those articulate and funny individuals to toast in advance.  Tell me who is toasting.  I'll schedule the time for the toasts and cue the toast accordingly so that the caterer, photographer, cinematographer and DJ/band are all ready for them.  No "open mic" toasts.  Keep the toasts less than 5 minutes each.  Keep them clean.  Simple enough.

Sometimes rules are meant to be broken.  And I'm absolutely thrilled that my clients from this past Saturday's wedding broke my rules of toasting.  The gentlemen who live in Manhattan brought about 52 friends and family from literally around the world to Boston to celebrate their wedding (the Massachusetts economy thanks them).  It was a beautiful, classy wedding, with live Brazilian jazz all evening - and no dancing. 

Throughout the amazing three course meal at Radius, there were toasts - 11 in all, starting and ending with the grooms.  I have to say that those 11 people were among the funniest, sweetest, most generous and affectionate toasters I have ever heard.  Which is not at all surprising because the grooms are funny, sweet, generous and affectionate and it's only fitting for them to have such a great community of friends and family.  So 11 toasts, all brilliant and everyone had an amazing time.  And I'm thrilled to have my rule broken.

I should add that it's become a gay wedding tradition for the bride/bride or groom/groom to toast each other and their guests.  Jen and I are planning to toast our guests with mead, based off the Celtic mead toasting tradition but updated, of course, for our gay wedding.

I can't wait to show you the photos and tell you more stories from this urban chic wedding later this week.  Here's a hint...

Any other tips for toasting from out there?

Tomorrow is our all-important catering tasting.  Whenever I'm working with clients, the tasting is one of my favorite parts of the planning process.  Free food, yes, but the look in a couple's eyes when they actually sit down and taste the food they may be having on their wedding day is pretty special.  Especially, of course, if it tastes good and they are comfortable and happy with the process.  The tasting makes the wedding begin to feel ultra-real.

Your tasting should include at least a few of the passed hors d'oeuvres that are part of your most recent wedding proposal, as well as 2-3 of each: first courses, entrees and sides.  If the caterer or venue is providing wedding cake, you should be able to taste that, too (though I admittedly prefer to go on cake tastings separately).  So, in the spirit of our own tasting (which I'll undoubtedly be debriefing via blog next week), I wanted to share some questions to ask during your own wedding tasting. 



Our venue provides the food and beverage for our wedding so we'll be at the venue, not at the caterer's office, which leads to many more questions.  But off we go:

• How is the food presented? 
• Are hot dishes served hot and cold dishes served cold? 
• Is the plate presentation appetizing? 
• Are the hors d'oevures easy for your guests to eat?  Side note:  I hate skewers - they are awkward and unattractive!
• Do the flavors pop and are they complex?  Is the food absolutely divine?
• Do the courses flow well together?  Is there too much of one kind of protein or do you have items that are very divisive (like goat cheese, which I love)?  I'm not saying you need to change or eliminate those items!
• Is there a nice balance of selections for vegetarians and carnivores?
• Will there be any in-season changes to the menu?
• When is the latest date you can make a change to the menu?
• Is the caterer managing your rental order?  Did you pick linens yet?  Make them show you swatches!
• Are the plates you're eating off the same plates you're using on your wedding day?  Same for flatware and glassware?
• Will you be having chargers?  Side note: Say yes!  Chargers are lovely!
• What is their standard napkin fold?  Do you like it?
• If you are a same-sex couple, be sure to get assurance that every last person on the service staff will treat you right! 
• If you need them, does the caterer or venue provide menu cards?  What is the heading at the top of the cards?
• Think about when you will be having a champagne toast.  Do you want the champagne pre-set at the dinner table?
• What is the approximate timing for dinner?  How long does it take them to get through 3 courses if it is a plated meal?
• Is there a separate cake cutting fee?
• Will they be providing tableside wine service?  Do you want them to?
• Confirm whether the fee includes staff gratuity?  Side note: typically not included when you are working with an outside caterer.
• Confirm the bar setup if you are hosting the bar: flat fee per person or consumption?  Maybe you're lucky enough to bring in your own alcohol.
• If possible, taste your wedding wine with the food.  If the venue provides the food and bar, then ask them for a wine tasting.  If you're bringing in your own caterer and bar, then bring your own wine to the tasting!
• What time will the caterer begin setup?
• If you haven't already done so, ID a location for your gift table, guest book, escort cards
• Confirm the flow of the space if the ceremony is held onsite: where does everyone go for cocktail hour while the room is being flipped for dinner?  How much of the dinner tables are set up prior to the ceremony and how will they be hidden discreetly?
• If you don't have a wedding planner to manage the caterer, who will be your day of event go-to person?  What capacity does that person have to act as an event planner and liason with the other vendors like the DJ & photographer?

You may already know the answers to these questions but if not, the tasting is the right time to find out.

Did I miss anything?  Have fun with the tasting!  I know we will - I am looking forward to lobster tomorrow!

It's About Time is thrilled to announce that we are hosting a wedding planning workshop for engaged same-sex couples, Weddings Redefined.  Our goal is to give couples the tools they need to plan their own wedding in the most stress-free and efficient manner.  The next workshop will be held on Monday, May 4, from 6-8pm at Umbria Restaurant.  Thanks to the generosity of Umbria, workshop attendees will receive wine and hors d'oeuvres during the workshop. 

It's About Time has co-led a similar workshop in the past with GayWeddings.com and is reintroducing it with a fresh, updated curriculum. Couples who attend will leave with a packet of fantastic resources, tips and the confidence they need to plan a fabulous same-sex wedding that is reflective of their lives together.

A modern floral arrangement will be raffled off to one lucky couple, courtesy of fabulous designer Jen Coveney of It's About Time.

In honor of Sunday's expected dreary weather and a client's wedding on Sunday, I wanted to post a little tribute to umbrellas.  At one of my very first weddings, the photographer told me that he advises his clients to buy a few large golf umbrellas to ward off rain...but if it does rain, they make for some great photos...and rain is supposedly good luck.

Photo credits, top to bottom: Jacco Vink, Mim Adkins, Sweet Smile

Like any good bride-to-be and wedding planner, I am an avid blog reader.  It's very satisfying zipping through blogs on my Google Reader while drinking my morning coffee.  I confess a guilty pleasure for Samantha Goldberg, who I'm sure you've seen on Whose Wedding is it Anyway? Sam has two blogs - but the one on the Bridal Guide is tame compared to A Day in the Life of a Wedding Planner.

Although I follow many more than this, these are my faves...

100 Layer Cake (pretty, pretty)
Hostess with the Mostess (fabulous, quirky ideas for entertaining - not just weddings)
Style Me Pretty (the ultimate wedding style blog!)
A Hot Pink Petticoat (inspiration from our neighbors to the north)
Blue Orchid Designs (I love Liene's approach to weddings and education)
Elegance & Simplicity (was eco-friendly before it was cool; love her simple design elements)
Earth Friendly Weddings (from the creators of EarthlyAffair.com)
So You're EnGAYged (the latest and greatest same-sex wedding planning site with my favorite feature - collated blogs from lesbian brides-to-be)

Favorite photo of the day - a DIY escort card project on 100 Layer Cake

Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

When I am asked what my favorite part of a wedding is, my answer is easy: the wedding ceremony.
After all, as much fun as the party is, really it is just a party - and the day is truly about your marriage.

So, how do you make your wedding ceremony personal and uniquely you?  I'll start by telling some fun client stories:

• One of my first clients ever had a pagan wedding. The brides processed together, holding hands, into a recorded version of "All You Need is Love".  The guest chairs were set up in a circle and they greeted their guests during their processional.  There were four altars at which there were blessings.  There was a traditional handfasting ritual and the wedding concluded with a jumping of the broom!  The brides had exactly the ceremony they envisioned and it was perfectly reflective of themselves.
• Another pair of brides had a ceremony co-officiated by an interfaith minister and a District Court Judge/noted civil rights attorney.  Their deeply personal, handwritten vows included phrases like, "I promise to walk with you at sunset every chance I get" and "I promise to take you to Italy at least once a year."  They processed out to a live flute and guitar version of "You Are the Sunshine of My Life" by Stevie Wonder.  Goosebumps! 
• Two grooms with a son had a dear friend officiate their wedding ceremony.  She came into Boston from California quite prepared but try as I might, I couldn't get the grooms to focus on writing their own vows (they had a lot going on in their lives!).  Even at the wedding rehearsal, they still had nothing scripted - nothing like the last minute!  The next day, the ceremony was flawless:  the grooms processed into a live "Trumpet Voluntary", holding their son's hand.  Their friend delivered a stunning ceremony script and the grooms presented before the other the most personal and heartfelt vows I'd ever heard.  There was not a dry eye in the room - and it was so clear why these two gentlemen were absolutely perfect for one another.
• This past fall, two grooms held their wedding ceremony in their gorgeous living room with thirty friends and family members (who had been drinking champagne and having nibbles for 45 minutes).  The 25 minute ceremony was scripted and delivered by a Celebrant who beautifully told the story of their relationship after asking them to complete individual questionnaires and spending quality time learning about their lives together.  One of the readings was from the book Giovanni's Room, one of the groom's favorite novels...
• ...and after that wedding ceremony, Jen was convinced that ours should be deeply personal and memorable and not faux-Catholic or a quickie.  We hired that Celebrant to officiate our own wedding.  I spent some time this morning answering three pages of questions about how Jen enriches my life and how we fell in love - and I can't wait to see what our ceremony looks like.

When planning a wedding, there are so many indulgent details to obsess over.  Jen and I have had so much fun over the past few months indulging in private, at-home wine tastings with potential wedding wines.  It's been great couple-bonding and has been a big obsession of mine (though certainly a fun obsession)!  Our wedding venue provides its own catering and wine list.  We took a look at the list, tried a few, were vaguely disappointed and decided to choose our own and have them order it.  We tried to say within the $10-15/bottle price point because the venue will mark it up 300%.  This has been a fun process...

Choosing the right wine for your wedding can be a wonderful theme-related detail.  For example, I had clients last year who had a travel-themed wedding.  Their custom-designed wedding invitations (below) were boarding passes.  Their table names were photos of places they'd been.  And so on.  The details were great, up to and including their red wine selection, Boarding Pass Shiraz, selected not only because it was thematic but also because they enjoyed the wine.

It's About Time is very pleased to be featured on the great new resource for engaged same-sex couples, So You're EnGAYged!

Congrats to two talented photographers, Kelly Prizel and Lara Swanson, for kicking off a great entrepreneurial venture - and best of luck in the new endeavor! 

We all know that same-sex weddings are a growing industry and it's important to look out for one another so we can provide the highest quality, compassionate, visionary service to our clients.  The wedding industry is still very heterosexist and resources such as this one are invaluable to couples struggling to plan their perfect day.

The economy is hitting everyone hard.  It doesn't mean that your wedding design needs to be seriously compromised - we can still plan stunning weddings on a budget.  One trend we've noticed since the economy has gone south is that couples are still planning spectacular weddings - but they are inviting fewer people.  Since food and beverage are typically the mostly costly elements to a wedding, this can mean significant savings.

Some more cost-saving tips...

• Plan a winter wedding or a wedding on a Friday night or Sunday brunch - you may get vendor discounts (you should definitely ask!) and food and beverage minimums may be lower.
• Skip some of the stationery elements that are costly and wasteful for the environment.  This means: no favors (which are often left behind), no ceremony programs, perhaps a seating chart instead of escort cards, and you can even skip save-the-date cards.
• If you have guests who love to drink, consider an open bar with only wine and beer, plus perhaps one delicious signature cocktail.
• Have your ceremony and reception in the same venue.  Many places will not charge a ceremony fee (like a house of worship would) and you can save on the cost of limos.  Our wedding venue is a block away from our hotel so the hotel guests and brides will all be arriving on foot.
• Choose flowers that are in season when considering your wedding colors and floral designs.  In-season flowers are much less expensive (and don't have the environmental impact of those transported from around the world).  We are using hydrangea and peonies as the primary flowers for our early July wedding.
• Use lots and lots and lots of candles!
• Cupcakes are cute and quite inexpensive - sometimes as low as $1.50 each, instead of the $3.50/slice standard minimum for wedding cakes.  Still want a cake cutting?  Order a small 9" cake to cut!
• If you have an amazingly articulate, eloquent friend or family member who you would trust to officiate your wedding ceremony, they can do so for $50 with a permit from the state.  This is opposed to Justices of the Peace who charge $150+ and rabbis, ministers and celebrants who are often $500 or more.
• True DIYers can have fun with homemade centerpieces, handcrafted invitations and more fun DIY projects.
• Finally, I can't forget to remind you of two things: 1) if you're really stressed about money, elope! and 2) hiring a wedding planner such as myself can save you 10-20% on services like catering, photography, floral design and more.

Let me conclude by suggesting a few areas in which you should not cut corners in the interest of saving:

• Photography!  You'll regret it later if you do.
• Music.  I can help you find an affordable DJ.  The flow of the reception will be negatively affected by an Ipod.
• Your wardrobe.  I want you all to feel like the beautiful brides and grooms you are.  Be sure to feel 100% comfortable and beautiful in your wedding attire.