14 Stories

Three years ago today, I married beautiful and sweet Jen, the love of my life!  It's a lot of pressure, a wedding planner planning her own wedding, but it was an amazing day, and SUCH a fun wedding.  Our wedding really was "us" - and yours should be very much "you"!  

Our life is always an adventure and it just keeps getting better...thanks Jen!

photo by Closed Circle Photography

Those who follow me on Twitter know that my wife Jen and I just completed the second parent adoption process for our son, Patrick.  He was born on Oct. 31, 2010.

Let me explain a little bit about what this means.

Jen and I were legally married in Massachusetts.  Our marriage is only valid in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, Iowa and D.C. (the other states where same-sex marriage is legal), and a couple of other random states.  According to the U.S. federal government and all those other states, we are not legally married.  According to most countries in the world, we are not legally married.

Patrick was born in Boston and Jen carried and delivered the baby.  She was the "bio-parent" though I was right there when he was born and my name is on his birth certificate.  However, because our marriage is not recognized most places in the world, neither are my rights to be his parent.  That's why we had to go through this process called "second parent adoption" - in which I basically adopt my own son.  This process took 10 months waiting for a court date and $2000 in legal fees before we saw a judge for 2 minutes.  Now it's over and we're happy!

If a same-sex couple doesn't do second parent adoption this can get really ugly in the following scenarios (among others):

• If there's a divorce or break-up, the non-bio parent may have no rights no visitation or custody
• If the bio-parent died, the non-bio parent may have no rights to his or her child (who would probably be placed with the bio-parent's parents)
• If the bio-parent and the baby are in an accident, the non-bio parent may have no access to them in the hospital.

A funny thing has happened in the past six years.  Same-sex couples meet, fall in love, get engaged and then get married.  And at least here in most of New England and now DC and Iowa, getting married and planning for a gay wedding has become the "normal" next step in a relationship.  It's legal and a legitimate, common option for couples.

Two of our dear friends recently got engaged after a 18 months of dating and will probably be marrying sometime in the next year or so.  And to us, and to our other friends, this is just what happens now.  Marriage is legal and gay weddings are happening all over the place.  Most of these weddings have no overt political agenda - they're just about the love of two people. 

But the funny thing that happens is that guests at these gay weddings see the love story of the normal, happy couple play out, return to their neighborhood and tell their friends and co-workers the story of last weekend's wonderful gay wedding, leading to a ripple effect of positive momentum.  The stories get told and these are the stories that change the world.

What's my favorite part of a gay wedding?  All the tears of joy during the wedding ceremony, culminating in the phrase "I now pronounce you legally married."

What's your favorite part of a gay wedding?

Hello and happy belated Valentine's Day.  I'm excited for all of you who are recently engaged and planning yourself a wonderful gay wedding.  It's an exciting time, isn't it?  I'm really happy for you.

More often than not, and enough to call it a gay wedding tradition, guests to gay weddings are greeted with passed sparkling wine and water before the wedding ceremony.

Jen and I spent two wonderful days in New York, beginning on Sunday. One of my attendants/best friends lives in Brooklyn and we caught up with her on Sunday before heading over to the Get Married magazine launch party.

Get Married's inaugural issue featured a Real Wedding of a lesbian couple - so kudos to the magazine for being inclusive from the get-go.  There are some who still see this as a risky decision but it will be rewarded by the community.

What a fun party!  We met the great folks at Get Married including founder Stacie Francombe.  We connected with some super sweet wedding industry folks including planners Katie Martin, Keli Morris, Camille Plummer and Beverly Johnson.  We loved chatting with Harmony Walton, founder of the Bridal Bar.  And we hung out with our fabulous publicist, Michelle Slaughter.

Here's our super silly photobooth photo (wow, we are pale, almost transparent!):

This is last part in my blog series about getting your parents excited about your gay wedding.  If you are just joining us, the first step is located here.

Step seven:  As the wedding gets close, distract your parents some more.  If your parents live out of state, when they come to town, keep them busy with projects.  This means that you should ask them to write out escort cards, bring gift bags to the hotel and tidy your house so it’s clean after your honeymoon.  They will have nervous energy, still with no expectations about a gay wedding and will be all wound up possibly worrying about what others will think.  Channel their energy to your own benefit. 

We had Jen’s mom assembling out of town guest gift bags and writing out escort cards.  We had her parents, her sister and her sister’s boyfriend over our condo loading up the car with everything and tidying our house so we wouldn't come home to a mess post-honeymoon.  Worked like a charm and everyone had fun with it.

These steps have been spread out in part because they take time to execute.  This is a gradual process but I know for a fact that these steps really work to ease your parents into the idea of a gay wedding.  Please leave a note in the comments letting me know if these have worked for you!

Your parents are starting to get really excited by now - now is the time to channel their excitement appropriately.  For a recap of earlier steps, start here.

Step six:  Give your parents a project during the wedding planning process.  Channel your parents’ new enthusiasm into a very narrow and specific project.  This is very important if you want to retain ownership over your wedding plans.  The trick is to distract your parents with something they would strive to be very good at.  Pardon my use of gender roles, but I've observed that moms like being a hostess so give them the project of planning wedding weekend activities for out of town guests. That’s my favorite thing to focus eager moms.  Also, if you are having gift bags to welcome wedding guests to your hotel, put mom in charge - she'll love the shopping AND the assembly. 

But maybe your dad likes to make homemade beer or wine?  Maybe he can make favors for your guests.  Or maybe he's very handy - can he build you a chuppah (if you want a chuppah)?

Jen’s mom was in charge of the bridal shower.  She also had a lot of input on the post-wedding brunch and the weekend activities.  She had stuff to do and for which to feel responsible - but this was channeled appropriately so we could stay focused on our own responsibilities. 

This is part five in my seven part series on how to get your parents excited about (and involved in) your gay wedding.  Part four is located here.

Step five (if applicable):  Ask for financial support.  Now that your parents are excited and engaged and sharing their suggestions and input, if you are hoping for their financial contribution, this is the time to ask.  Once they understand that this is something that that is really happening, here is your chance to ask for financial help (if you are hoping for it).  Obviously only do this if your parents have some reasonable capacity to contribute.  Use your best judgment.  But if you do so, start by complaining about money, “I didn’t know how much a wedding was going to cost.”

And here’s the best one, “I don’t think we can invite the cousins, your friends from work and John and Jane, your next-door neighbors because we just can’t afford it.”

If your parents bite and are willing to contribute, I’d advise asking for a specific dollar amount rather than for coverage of certain expenses.  The reason is that if you ask them to pay for the band and the photographer, your parents might feel like they get to pick out those vendors.  And you don’t want to relinquish that control to your parents.  This is your vision.

Jen said priceless gems such as, “Even though Bernadette’s a wedding planner, it’s still crazy how much things cost when it’s your own wedding!” 

This is part four in my series about getting your parents excited about your gay wedding.   You can read the other parts here, here and here.

OK, you've been patient, you've expressed your own natural enthusiasm, and you've asked them fairly generic and random questions.

Step four: Invite your parents' participation with more emotional details.  They may feel like your wedding plans are a runaway train.  They may feel like you got engaged out of the blue, are furiously planning a big gay wedding (and they don't know what a gay wedding looks or feels like) and they’re left at the station wondering what the heck just happened. 

I believe that excitement is contagious.  If you are excited about your wedding, eventually your parents will be.  Now is the time to recruit them to be actively involved – and if you are a bride who wants to wear a dress, there is no greater opportunity than dress shopping with your mother.  If you are not wearing a dress or are a gay groom, ask for their help on choosing someone to do a reading during the wedding ceremony or ask your mom about her favorite flower or cake flavor.  Invite their input and get excited over their responses.  

This is the step where Jen’s parents boarded the Coveney-Smith wedding train.  Jen’s mom came to town and they went dress shopping.  Jen started talking about the bridal shower.  During her visit, Jen's mom visited the place where we were to marry and loved it.  And when she went back home, she was filled with excitement and then Jen’s dad got excited - because it's contagious.