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Now that same-sex marriage is legal in New York, I'm sure that many of you have started your planning! Here are some tips for planning an incredible wedding in New York!

1. "I now pronounce you LEGALLY married!" That's a very powerful statement and it'll be made in one more state. Your guests will be in tears of joy for you as you are legally married. Consider hiring a Celebrant to write a personal and meaningful wedding ceremony for you.

2. Gay wedding traditions are alive and well. Think about incorporating one or more into your wedding, such as offering champagne to the guests before the wedding ceremony starts.

3. New York is so much more than New York City. You can also have a barn wedding in the Hudson Valley, a vineyard wedding on Long Island, or even a wedding in Niagra Falls. The choices are endless!

4. New York City weddings cost more than most places in the country. If you are planning a wedding in New York City and are budget-conscious, keep an eye on that guest list as an area for savings.

5. Remember that your wedding is your own. It's not your mom's, or your sister's, or your Aunt Suzie's. You can have any kind of wedding you want. Ignore any pressure you may get to follow tradition and feel free to have fun with the plans and make them extra reflective of who you are as a couple

And of course, we can help!

Are you planning a same-sex wedding in New York?

(photo by Kat Hempel)

Did you watch the Royal Wedding today?  I thought it was lovely and, despite the traditional "fairytale" event, I found some great inspirations for your gay wedding.  

I know that most people are talking about Kate and her beautiful dress but I want to talk about her hot sister, Pippa!

My lesbian brides who choose to wear a dress frequently do not wear a traditional wedding gown, but often something simpler, even from bridesmaids' collections.  Pippa, Kate's sister and Maid of Honor, wore a stunning modern, understated (white!) McQueen dress that I believe will find its way into lesbian weddings.  This dress epitomizes the essence of many gay weddings that are fantastic blends of the traditional and the very unexpected.  

For the grooms, I think it would be stunning but I don't expect to see any of my men walking down the aisle in military uniforms anytime soon!  I've had grooms in morning suits only once before, though and they looked so handsome - I'd love to see that again!  For grooms who want a very classic wedding experience, a wedding a grand old estate or mansion, this is a fantastic look.  And, wow, James Middleton is a great looking guy.


I loved how the florist, Shane Connolly, at the request of the bride and the groom, really brought the outside in for the ceremony.  The trees were not only dramatic but also reflective of the couple's personal values.    It's a beautiful aesthetic that's more than just a trend.  It has a modern, yet classic look and of course the color pop in Westminster Abbey finishes it off stunningly.  We will be using loads of greens at a very modern wedding later this year.

Of course bachelor and bachelorette parties are heterosexual traditions but they’re also a really good time—and another excuse for a party.

Here again, couples who are more settled tend not to have these parties, while couples that are starting out and of more typical marrying age often do.

Being a same-sex couple can mean that you have a joint party or two separate parties. If you have separate groups of friends, separate parties are generally the way to go. But if your friends are merged, then I like a big party.

Jen and I chose to party together over an informal dinner, followed by a trip to a strip club (the most tasteful one in the city, if you can believe it). We were both on our best behavior (look, don’t touch) and a great time was had by all.

A good compromise is what one of my clients is doing:  partying independently and meeting up at a club at the end of the night. 

Some couples who party separately have a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” (a “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” kind of thing). If you plan on misbehaving that’s not a bad plan—just don’t drunk-dial or drunk-text at the end of the night. No unnecessary drama, right!

Are you planning to have a bachelor or bachelorette party?

On Tuesday, I talked about the traditional wedding party roles and responsibilities.  Let's discuss how all that changes for gay weddings.

I should tell you that gay weddings almost never have receiving lines.  In fact, I urge my clients to disappear somewhere secret for a few minutes after the recessional to avoid an accidental receiving line.

These 2004 brides wanted to greet their guests so immediately after the recessional, they headed into the Cambridge Multicultural Arts Center (following the ceremony in the courtyard) and waited on the steps for guests to slowly follow.  There was no bottleneck, no prolonged greetings - and it was quick and painless - just the brides welcoming guests to their party. 

Inside awaited cocktails, tea, wedding cake, mini sandwiches and live jazz.  That was just the beginning.  90 minutes later trolleys swooped all their guests up and off to the real reception at the Harvard Fogg Museum.



Photo by Zoom Photography

Many gay and lesbian couples choose to process to the front of their sacred ceremony space down not one, but two aisles.  Jen and I did this; each of our attendants alternated going down the respective aisle, then Jen and I walked parallel to each other simultaneously. 

It's fairly common for a number of reasons, the main one being that in a gay or lesbian wedding, there is not necessarily a "bride" who is expected to be the center of attention.  Many gay and lesbian couples who are marrying have been together already for years and want to walk separately and meet in the middle. 

Regardless of whether the two aisles are parallel or coming in from opposite sides of the room, this two aisle processional is a nightmare for a photographer without an assistant!  I've had a few photographers attempt to talk me out of this processional and even one trying to change it at the last minute.  While there is something to be said about getting amazing wedding photographs and you'll never hear me argue otherwise, I do feel that it's important to honor this emerging gay and lesbian wedding tradition. 

If you are considering having two aisles instead of one central aisle, I highly recommend that you invest in a photographer's assistant if you are concerned about capturing both of your moments in the spotlight!

You will hear me say it again and again but gay weddings are downright jubilant.  There is a very palpable feeling of rejoicing.  This photo from a 2004 wedding says it all - the brides are in the background leading the ceremony recessional out of the building towards cocktail hour and everyone else is, well, jubilant.



Photo by Michael Manning

I've had many weddings recently where the 50+ guests stood around for the 15-20 minute wedding ceremony.  There was select seating for elderly family and friends but generally no more than 20 or so chairs up front.  These types of weddings have a nice casual vibe to them - almost like the marriage ceremony happens very organically. 

This can work well - and it can fail.  If you are considering this, here are some tips:

• Truly keep the ceremony no more than 15 minutes long
• Greet your guests with a drink (could be champagne, sparkling water, lemonade) when they arrive and plan for the guests mingling for about 15 minutes before your true ceremony start time
• Don't mingle with your guests during that time or your ceremony will definitely start late!
• Make sure you have a coordinator designated to clear the aisle or form an aisle when it's time for the processional
• Place the ceremony musicians where they will be easily visible by your coordinator so the coordinator can cue the processional music when the time is right (it's sometimes hard to see when most are standing!)
• Make sure the newlyweds have an escape route and destination after the recessional if there's no receiving line - otherwise they will get mobbed by their guests and a receiving line will happen spontaneously

If you follow those rules, this can work out very well and set the tone for a casually fun and upbeat reception.  Gay couples seem to enjoy this in particular because it breaks tradition and many of them don't want the grand entrance processional.

Are you having a wedding ceremony where the majority of the guests will stand rather than sit?  Do you have any other tips to add? Or do you prefer a more formal, seated wedding ceremony?

One of the questions I often get from couples and clients and reporters and anyone curious about gay weddings is, "what is normal?"  "What does a gay wedding look like?"  This is one of the reasons I developed a seminar for engaged same-sex couples and another seminar for those in the wedding industry hoping to work with them.

I have a lot of answers to this question and will be posting them in the coming week or so.  But this question is coming up in Iowa right now - couples never expected this day will come and don't know what to do to prepare or how to make their wedding special.  In fact, I went to an event last night where I heard a story of an Iowa couple who came to Massachusetts to get married one week before the ruling came down.  For most, the ruling was a complete shock.  And as of this past Monday, same-sex couples in Iowa began applying for their marriage licenses and are now thinking, "Now what?  How the heck do I plan a gay wedding?"

Any wedding, gay or straight, should be about the personality and style of the couple - don't let anyone tell you differently.  The fundamental decisions are the same: you still have to think about how much to spend and who to invite, and where to have the celebration (though with same-sex weddings, those decisions are often complicated by fears related to coming out or homophobia).

But everyone wants to hear about the differences, not the similarities - I'll get into a lot of these but let's start with the rings...  Many (but not all, of course) gay and lesbian couples don't wear engagement rings.  But for those who wear engagement rings, who proposes?  Does that person then get proposed back to with their own engagement ring?  Sorry I don't have any answers on this one.  Many just wear wedding bands, but walking into a jewelry store with your lesbian fiancee or wife looking for a wedding band can be intimidating to say the least, especially if you would like a nontraditional band.  Call around ahead of time to gauge the temperature of your local jewelers about working with same-sex couples.  They may be great, or you may encounter an awkward pause or there may be outright homophobia but at least you are dealing with it on the phone rather than face to face.  So while there is no standard "gay engagement ring" or "gay wedding band", this can be one of the first areas where you as a couple can express your personality through your wedding.  And in the coming week, I'll be talking about many more.