14 Stories

One of the coolest things about my job is meeting amazing couples, many of whom come here from other states to legally marry.  It's one of the many things that makes my career as a wedding planner so fulfilling.  I love producing weddings and being the architect of it all - but more importantly to me, I know I am helping LGBT couples get their equal rights.

I had such an opportunity back in August when Frank and Matt from Arkansas hired me for a Vows plus package, which involved the license in one day, cake, flowers, a ceremony location (they chose a church in Brewster), photographer and dinner reservations for their ten guests.

Most of my planning with these couples is done by phone and email so meeting in person is always a treat.  One of the things that Frank and Matt shared with me is that they are one of the plaintiffs in a case brought by the ACLU against the State of Arkansas, seeking to end the ban on adoption by unmarried couples, which was a law passed last November by a voter referendum and was designed to discriminate against the LGBT community.

This week I was walking around my neighborhood and stopped by someone from the ACLU looking for my support and that young person mentioned this case.  I feel such a personal connection to this case because I adore these great guys.

These are the kinds of guys, who have returned home to Arkansas, legally married with a relationship legitimized by a government, who are changing hearts and minds about the issue of gay marriage - just by knowing them, hearing their story and seeing how in love they are.  Their decision to be part of that ACLU case is just a bonus.

Here they are on their wedding day - and by the way, you should consider supporting the ACLU:



Photo by Zoom-Photography.

A dear friend of ours (actually one half of our best gay boyfriends) is a PhD student writing his dissertation on how a relationship enhancement program can benefit newlywed gay males.  Such programs exist for heterosexual couples but Brian is developing one for gay couples. 

If you are a newlywed gay male, local to Massachusetts and would be interested in participating in this study, please see this letter and contact Brian directly.

Thank you!

I'll be uploading videos to YouTube every week, starting with this one where I'm talking about how my company was founded 5 years ago in response to the legalization of gay marriage in Massachusetts.

I work with many couples who live in other states.  Some come here to Massachusetts or New England for a basic elopement which just includes getting their marriage license in one day and having the wedding ceremony performed for them.  Some want to add on cake, professional photography and accommodations.  And some will bring 50 of their nearest and dearest for a big wedding celebration (for which the Massachusetts economy thanks you). 

I've done it all, and it's always a great time.  For those couples who come here for a basic elopement, I usually hear that they are throwing a big party for their friends and family once they return home to wherever they came from.  It's a nice compromise since it is hard to get all of your loved ones up here to Massachusetts.

I was with two gentlemen this morning from the DC metro area who legally married today but are throwing a big party in their second home in rural Virginia (the Shenandoah Valley) next May and asked me to plan it.  I'm looking forward to working in a new area of the country, meeting new vendors and transforming this gorgeous home with views of the mountains into a stunning wedding space.  It's exciting for me to finish the circle of bringing their dream to reality - they have the legal paperwork here but now they get to have the rest, in the comfort of their own community, with the guidance of a gay wedding planner who will make sure they are safe.

Good times for all.  I have the coolest job!

If you are coming to marry in Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut or Iowa, are you planning to have a party for your friends and family once you return home?  Tell me about it in the comments!

Congratulations to all the engaged same-sex couples in Vermont who can now get married.  It's September 1 and it's now legal for you.  Here's a Boston Globe article on the subject.

Vermont was the first state in the United States to have civil unions, and this was back in 2000.  That "separate but unequal" invention was good for awhile but there's nothing like a real marriage to validate a relationship. 

Vermont is a gorgeous place and my favorite venue is the Stowe Mountain Lodge.  The scenery is spectacular and the chef is top-notch.  I highly recommend it.

Just a few FAQ about getting married in Vermont:

• Do you have to be a resident of Vermont to get married in Vermont?  No.
• Is there a waiting period to obtain a marriage license?  No.
• Is there a blood test required to obtain a marriage license?  No.
• What is the fee to apply for a marriage license?  $45
• Where should I apply for a marriage license?  If you are a Vermont resident, apply in the town in which you live.  If you are not, you should apply at a town clerk's office in the county in which you will marry.
• What if I have a civil union in Vermont?  Will it transfer over? It will not.  The civil union stands unless it is legally dissolved, however after today no more civil unions will be issued.
• What paperwork do I need to apply for a license?  You should bring any divorce decrees, a birth certificate and be prepared to answer questions about place of birth, mother's maiden name and previous marriages.
• Will you plan my Vermont gay wedding?  Of course.

Gotta love the support!

I get asked this question all the time by wedding industry vendors: how do I market to gay and lesbian couples?

It's the #1 question I'm asked.

My answer is: start by including photos of gay and lesbian couples on your website and in your other marketing materials. 

Instead this photo to the left is what we normally get. (Photo by Teesside, UK)

Lots and lots of photos like that - a very attractive couple and they look lovely and happy and they should.

And I'm not saying that you shouldn't include such photos - but it would help your business to show greater diversity in your online portfolio and in your printed materials.

I try not to be a shameless self-promoter but I do think this is important.  I offer a class for those in the wedding industry looking to reach the LGBT marketplace.  And I'm speaking at this event in October for wedding professionals.

Engaged couples, what do you see when you are looking through the websites of wedding vendors that is an immediate turn-off?  Please leave your thoughts in the comments, thanks!

I'm filling out a form because I'm speaking about gay weddings at an upcoming wedding industry event, and the question is: What inspires you? What challenges you? And what have you learned from your experiences to date?

Here's my answer:
I am inspired by the stories I hear from my clients – stories of what it’s like being gay in their hometown, how their families have responded to their engagement (which is usually different than how families respond to the relationship); and how they are redefining what a wedding looks and feels like. 

I am inspired by my clients who tell me stories of discrimination, heterosexism and hate, or share their fears of that with me.  I have seen much of it myself and it’s my mission to make the wedding industry fully inclusive, with no assumptions about the gender of the engaged couple – and that is also what challenges me. 

In the past five years, I have learned a lot: I have seen gay wedding trends evolve into traditions.  I have seen the hearts and minds of families change before my teary eyes during a gay wedding ceremony; and I’ve seen how much the wedding and hospitality industry still has to learn about the unique challenges and needs of gay and lesbian couples.

Gay marriage was supposed to go into effect in Maine on September 12 but is on hold because opponents are trying to preemptively ban the law through a ballot initiative.

Similar to the Prop 8 situation in California, this November voters in Maine will be asked on their ballots, “Do you want to reject the new law that lets same-sex couples marry and allows individuals and religious groups to refuse to perform these marriages?”

For more information or to volunteer or donate, check out Maine Freedom to Marry.

I was emailing with a couple last week who sent me a note on their ceremony draft.  One of the grooms wrote, "Jeff and I have been together for more than 14 years.  After a life of saying 'my partner' I'd love, at long last, to say, 'my spouse.'"

And so he did.  Language is a funny thing.  I know another unmarried gay couple together more than ten years who refer to themselves not as partners, but as lovers.  That term is not for everyone but it works for them.

This is a big decision for gay and lesbian couples.  I get asked all the time about how the officiant will declare them at the conclusion of the ceremony.  I now declare you...

• legally married
• lawfully married
• partners for life
• married partners
• husbands/wives to one another
• spouses for life
• something else?

Jen and I chose "legally married" - and that felt right for me in particular because the legal bit is so important.  We live in a state where our marriage is legal and I want that word to be heard loud and clear.

And once you're actually hitched, how will you refer to your spouse?  Many couples I know initially cringed at "husband" or "wife".  Dan Savage still calls Terry his boyfriend even though they were married in Canada.  I had a hard time adjusting to fiancee and only in the past few months has that felt more natural.  Many couples still use the term partner because it's what's comfortable and what they know.

I honestly don't know what I'll call Jen.  Right now, "wife" feels cringeworthy but I suspect I'll get used to it.

And finally, what about the last name?  Many people keep their names, but I've had several clients and a friend invent entirely new names, some of which were not remotely similar to either of the old names.  That's kind of fun - as you begin a new life together, you do so with a new name.  And of course you can hyphenate.  Sometimes this works out if the names flow together but sometimes it's awkward.

So what is the gay wedding planner going to do?

I'll tell you that on Saturday, after our wedding and before our honeymoon, I'll be updating the About Us section on this very website with our new last names, which were well debated.  They are different from each other, but slightly and the only compromise we could reach.

How is your officiant pronouncing you at the conclusion of your wedding ceremony?  And will you be using the word husband or wife to refer to your new spouse?  I'd especially love to hear of any creative solutions to any of these dilemmas!  Please share!

Warning...rant ahead...

I was just on Twitter and one of the brilliant planners I follow, Saundra Hadley from Planning Forever, was tweeting about constantly getting calls from vendors asking for referrals.  Saundra hit the nail on the head in her tweets:

• @planningforever LOVE working with prof vendors that you have a relationship with. Verifying setup times is more like a social call, instead of business.
• @planningforever Vendors: The best thing that you can do for wedplanners that send you biz; is refer them to UR brides. Ask 'em who is your wedding planner?
• @planningforever We don't want kickbacks, dinner, starbuck gift cards .... just professional, reciprocal referrals.
• @planningforever Are other planner's phones ringing from vendors who are looking for referrals & business? Why is this one-sided? We need some love too.

I am so down with what Saundra had to say.  Because my business is built around my professional niche (gay weddings), I get called all the time by "gay-friendly" vendors who are introducing their business and asking for my referral.  You name it, the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker - they literally all call me.  So many photographers who think that because they have a digital camera, a snazzy flash website and a Craigslist ad, they are a professional.  Read the first question on my FAQ.

This is the same reason I scarcely attend professional networking events or bridal industry functions.  Once vendors (even realtors, insurance agents and mortgage brokers) learn that I'm a planner and hear about my niche, their ears perk up and I can see the dollar signs in their eyes.  Sending me candles or chocolates in the mail will not get my attention.  My clients are not commodities.

Saundra is right.  If you want my business, then please, kindly pass my information along to your clients as well.  We'll look out for each other but most importantly, take amazing care of our clients.  We become a team and the result is outstanding.  But if you have another agenda, please don't bother me - especially in the middle of wedding season.  And if you think I can't tell the difference, you have me all wrong.

I suppose the question becomes: how do you get my attention?  Pure kindness/sincerity; a product, service or venue that is unique/completely blows me away; and genuine empathy for the experience of engaged gay and lesbian couples will make me pause.  When I was on a panel discussion for the Boston Wedding Group, lots of people handed me their cards after I was finished, and it felt very slimy to me.  One person that stood out told me a story about her lesbian sister's wedding.

And for those vendors that are already on my team, I adore you - and will see some of you at my own wedding.  Thank you very much for five amazing years.