Coming Out While Planning Your Gay Wedding

Each wedding involves 43 different number of vendors, on average.  Everyone from the hair and makeup people, to the limo driver, to the coat check guy.  And when you, as a gay couple are planning your wedding, you have to come out over and over and over again - to all of these people.  The ones you hire and the ones you do not.  Every time you visit a venue or taste cake, you must come out.  Every time you interview a florist or a wedding planner, you must come out.  This could mean coming out 100+ times over the course of wedding planning.

And unfortunately, in many places (about half of the US states), it's legal for vendors to say, "I can't help you.  I don't do gay weddings."  

Of course every vendor we work with is going to be great but I know that there are others who won't.  If you are two women, you will encounter vendors who will say, "Who's the bride?" - even if they are gay-friendly.

Here's how you should come out when speaking on the phone (example if you are a groom):

"Hi, I'm getting married to my partner John.  He proposed recently and I wanted to inquire about your venue to host our gay wedding."

A few tips:

  • Be pre-emptive in coming out.  Come out right away before they can make any assumptions about your sexual orientation.
  • Trust your gut instinct - if there's any awkwardness or discomfort on behalf of whomever you are talking to, call someone else.  Someone else would love to work with you.
  • Don't be afraid to ask what their experience is with gay weddings.
  • Don't be too quick to dismiss them if they don't have any experience but seem to be a nice and supportive person.
Have you had any awkward conversations where a vendor assumed you were straight?

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