Weddings Redefined

Three days of parties.  That's my term for what most people call "the wedding weekend."  You know, where you have a bunch of out of town guests and plan something like a rehearsal dinner on Friday night, the wedding on Saturday and brunch on Sunday.

I think we can do better than that...that's very typical.  Let's have three days of parties.  Our clients do it all the time.

Think about it.  Your wedding is probably the only time in your life all of your loved ones are in one place - and they are there to celebrate YOU.  Might as well enjoy it all.  Here's what three days of parties looks like for many of our clients:

Day 1 - Guest arrival

• Receive fun, whimsical and creative welcome basket upon hotel check in
• If you're in a city, evening cocktail party with heavy passed hors d'oeuvres and a very fun, casual vibe
• If you're somewhere more remote, a casual cookout style event with a bonfire on the beach, s'mores, etc

Day 2 - Tourist stuff and wedding

• If you're in a big city, arrange tickets to a game, tickets to a museum, tickets on some fun and cheesy tour with lunch
• If you're somewhere more remote, coordinated group activities (kayaking, games, hikes)
• If you're somewhere like Provincetown, group shopping and dining excursion, possibly a whale watch or Dune Tour
• Everyone freshens up and the couple gets ready for the wedding
• The wedding!
• After party!

Day 3 - Brunch and departures

• Most of your guests will head out on Sunday but send them off with a really sweet brunch with bloody marys and mimosas to aid in recovery - and be sure to be present at the brunch yourself to say goodbye to your guests!

How are you planning to show your guests a good time?

(Photo by Jag Studios, of a bonfire and s'mores at a private vacation rental on Cape Cod)

Most of us have been to a bunch of straight weddings and now that you're planning your own gay wedding, it seems obvious to look to those straight weddings for inspiration. After all, it's what we grew up knowing.  I've been talking to a bunch of couples lately who are struggling with what traditions to keep and what to ditch when planning their own wedding.  I'm personally in favor of reinvention...this blog is called, after all, "Weddings Redefined"!

Let's start by examining some of the traditions we've seen over the years:

...couple doesn't see each other before the ceremony, an often religious ceremony, photos during cocktail hour, a long break between the ceremony and reception, the wedding party introduction, the first dance, father-daughter dance, mother-son dance, dinner, toasts, dancing, line dances, garter toss, bouquet toss, cake cutting, yadda yadda yadda...maybe a Horah for good measure...

I've planned hundreds of gay weddings and I can tell you that we skip a bunch of these things!! SOMETIMES my couples will do a first dance and cake cutting, but that's about it! If parent dances happen, they typically happen spontaneously, rather than to a specific song. Formal photos typically happen before the ceremony.

As far as I'm concerned (and most of my clients agree), when it comes to these elements, turn them on their head! Why introduce the wedding party? It's your day and you may not even have a wedding party. Why do photos during cocktail hour when you can enjoy a cocktail with your closest friends and family?

And if you really want to be traditional, consider some Gay Wedding Traditions - yes, there are some!

What traditions are you keeping and what are you ditching?

(photo by Kat Hempel)

I just had a wedding cancel today.  It was supposed to happen this Tuesday in New York City but the grooms' flight is on Sunday and they expect Hurricane Irene-related travel issues.  I'm running around now cancelling flowers, cancelling the officiant, the wedding cake, the limo and telling my assistant he has to stay home!  I'm trying to get refunds or transfer deposits to the new date.

They sure are glad they have a wedding planner to deal with this stuff for them!

So, let's talk about what you should do in this situation, starting with things you can do to plan ahead:

1.  Always have a rain plan.  Always.  We have offices in Boston and New York where the weather is unpredictable, unlike say, California.  We are used to renting tents, dance floors, cook tents, generators and so forth.  Make sure your rain plan includes a location for the ceremony and cocktail hour, not just the reception and make sure your tent has sides! 

2.  Buy wedding insurance.  I like Wedsafe.  For a few hundred bucks, it's great for peace of mind.  Basically, in the event of an "act of God" such as a hurricane, you'll get the money you've paid for the wedding back.  If you live in an area where natural disasters or major storms are an annual (or semi-annual) occurrence, it's a good investment.  And hopefully, of course, you'll never have to submit a claim.

3.  If possible, avoid choosing a wedding date during obviously risky weather seasons, especially if you have many guests traveling to attend.  This is exactly why we have so few winter weddings (November-March) in New York and New England...our snowstorms are unpredictable.  Now, hurricane season is so long and hurricanes so seldom make their way this far north, so planning a wedding this time of year is completely reasonable.

4.  Review the "Force Majeure" clauses contained in most vendor contracts.  This clause protects everyone in the event of a natural disasters and explains the policy for rescheduling.

5.  Hire a wedding planner so you don't have to deal with any of this stuff yourself!

Have you ever had to cancel or reschedule a major event like a wedding, because of a storm or other weather issue?

Last week I did an interview with Tony Cox of National Public Radio's Tell Me More program.  During the interview, I spoke about some of my observations over 7+ years of planning gay weddings!  This was my third NPR interview this year - it's fun!

You can listen to the piece right here!

We are honored to be included among such talented peers as Bryan Rafanelli and Marcy Blum on The Daily Meal's List of 50 People You Should Know When Throwing a Party!  This list represents talented event planners, caterers and designers from all across the U.S.  It's a great honor to be known as one of the top talents in wedding planning in Boston and New York - and we are the only business that specializes in gay weddings to make the list!

Gay weddings are a destination business.  Many couples plan their wedding in a place where it's legal from clear across the country.  We've had clients from about 30 U.S. states.  It's definitely a challenge finding the right team of people to work with when you live somewhere else, especially if you are concerned about minimizing the number of planning trips you have to take to your wedding destination.  

So, whether you are planning a New York gay wedding, a Boston or Provincetown gay wedding, or going to Vermont or somewhere else, there are a few tips that are notable:

1.  Make those trips count.  You should be exhausted by the end!  You should book yourselves solid during those few days you are planning.  Maybe you've scheduled 10 venue site visits.  If you haven't, then you should on your first trip.  And don't stop there.  Meet as many photographers, bakers, etc during each visit as you can.  You should return home with a bunch of things crossed off your list of things to do.

2.  Prioritize.  What types of vendors are you most comfortable hiring over the phone or by email?  Some of my clients are cool dealing with floral and music by phone and email.  Some need to meet every single person they hire.  For example, tasting cake and have a catering tasting during your visits are important.  Make your appointments wisely.  

3.  Skype!  Skype is your friend.  Most of us in the wedding industry are used to Skyping with our clients, so if you can't meet personally with every vendor, then Skype is the next best thing so you can get some face time.

4. Hire a wedding planner (preferably one experienced with gay weddings)!  Of course, this makes everything easier so that your trips are well organized and your time is well spent.

5. Consolidate your appointments.  During your last trip before the wedding, get everybody in the same room at the same time so that you can all be on the same page and talk through the wedding schedule, flow and design together.  Some vendors (like the photographer and baker) don't need to be there, but if you can get the caterer, florist, wedding planner and venue manager there, that's an excellent use of your time.

Are you planing a long distance destination wedding?

(photo of one of our weddings planned long distance, by Kat Hempel)

A Practical Wedding is one of the more popular blogs that same-sex couples check out when planning their wedding.  They (in conjunction with Lowe House Creative) are throwing a big marriage equality celebration in New York in a few weeks on August 25 to raise money for Lambda Legal.  Whether or not you are planning a New York gay wedding, tickets are on sale and you should go!

The day of August 25 starts with two marriage ceremonies of two lucky couples carefully chosen to get a free gay wedding in New York.  Beginning at 8pm, the evening amps up with the big dance party reception, not only for those couples, friends and family, but anyone else who buys a ticket and wants to have a great time!

Tickets are only $20 and are on sale now!  All proceeds benefit Lambda Legal,

So, you're getting married.  But maybe you've already been together for 20 years and have a kitchen full of Crate and Barrel stuff.  Or maybe you think asking for wedding gifts is gauche.  Or maybe you don't want to fill out (yet, another) form that says "Bride" and "Groom".  I heard from a groom recently who complained that when they registered for gifts at a major retailer, one of them had to be the "bride" on the form, and he's since been bombarded with promotions for brides-only!

Here are the 14 Stories picks for best places to register for your wedding, if you want to do the non-traditional route:

1.  Newlywish.  Ok, so you want gifts.  But you prefer more unique items and prefer to support local businesses - or at least don't want to worry about a form that says Bride and Groom.  Check out Newlywish, where you can register across many awesome retailers, and where your guests can have an easy, seamless shopping experience for you.  You can even register for experiences like museum memberships and sporting events.  You can't buy that at Macy's.

2.  Honeyfund.  You have the kitchen-full of copper cookware already but know your guests will insist on buying you something.  How about contributing towards your honeymoon?  Our clients set up honeymoon registries all the time and Honeyfund is my favorite site for it.  They don't make you book your honeymoon travel plans through the site but your guests contribute towards experiences you expect you'll have on your honeymoon - like a romantic dinner for two or a couples massage.  Customize your Honeyfund page any way you wish.  Your guests buy you honeymoon experiences and you get a check from Honeyfund.  Can't beat that.

3.  HRC. Whether it's the HRC or  Freedom to Marry or MENY or another charity, many couples choose to set up a charitable wedding registry instead of a gift registry.  HRC and MENY make it easy with their own registry page that your guests can visit to see your profile and make a donation.  Help other same-sex couples get equal marriage rights by supporting the work of these fabulous nonprofits!

Did you choose to register for gifts?  If so, where?

If you are newly engaged and planning a New York gay wedding, Boston gay wedding, Provincetown gay wedding, or anywhere else, you first have to start by creating a guest list.  Here are some important Dos and Don'ts when creating your guest list:

Do first think about your budget.  Feeding and providing alcohol to all those people adds up, so first think about how many people you can afford to invite. 

Do only invite people you actually want there.  Skip the people who you feel like you have to invite out of obligation - and you can even skip "plus ones" if you don't actually know who the guest would be.

Do set policies and stick with them.  Be consistent in the "rules" you set.  For example, are kids invited?  Are co-workers invited?  Are exes invited?

Don't let your parents/family be pushy about the guest list...even if they are helping to pay.  This means that if your parents are involved in the wedding and want to invite their co-workers, neighbors and friends (which is pretty unusual, by the way), stand your ground!

Don't invite people who don't support gay marriage.  This means that if your Great Aunt Ellen signs anti-gay marriage petitions, then she shouldn't make the cut - unless you think she's flexible or could be convinced.

(photo by Michael Manning).

What are the policies you're setting for your own wedding?

The past few weeks were exciting for us - the press stemming from our New York office has been phenomenal.  Check out some of the following articles, especially the L.A. Times piece.  

We were even on the Today Show talking about the economic benefit of gay weddings:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

and also NY1 and the BBC!

Jen and I were in New York last weekend looking at neighborhoods and trying to figure out the best place to raise Patrick (and possibly another kid!).  It's an exciting time for us and we appreciate your support of our journey!  

Lots of love-
Bernadette, Jen and Patrick