Weddings Redefined

I’ve planned many weddings for gay and lesbian couples with children—or with children on the way—or where lots of children were welcome. You’ll want to be sure to hire one or more babysitters who can provide toys and DVDs for the younger children, in particular. Here are some more tips for planning a family friendly wedding:

• Choose a venue that has a room where a babysitter can set up. If you can’t set aside a children’s room, set up a table for children’s activities. This table can include crayons and coloring books, toys and puzzles. Put the babysitter (or someone else) in charge of this area. 
• Communicate with your caterer about the number of children who will be attending, their approximate ages, and any needs you may have for high chairs, booster seats, cups with plastic lids and children’s food (pizza, chicken fingers, grilled cheese, sliced fruit and French fries are always popular). 
• Hire children’s entertainers to distract the children so the adults can play. I work with an outstanding entertainer who has a Jedi Knight Training show and a Hogwarts Academy show that is appropriate for kids under the age of ten. The shows are perfect for weddings. 
• Coordinate with your band or DJ to play kid-friendly songs (for example, you may want to pass on “Baby Got Back” in favor of “The Hokey Pokey”). I asked one band to play the theme song to the show The Fairly OddParents during the reception. The kids loved it. 

There are some really creative ways to involve kids in the ceremony itself. If you do have one or more children, you can acknowledge them in your vows, or make a vow to the child/children. If you have a unity ritual, a third candle can represent the child/children. Your officiant can help you find the best way to incorporate kids into your wedding ceremony, should you choose to do so.

Are you inviting kids to your wedding?

• Are ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends invited? I know the lesbians tend to love to keep in touch with their exes! 
• Do you invite friends you haven’t talked to in three or more years if the friendship has grown apart? 
• Do you have to invite everyone whose wedding you attended, even if it was many years ago and the friendship hasn’t survived? 
• Do your work colleagues get invited? 
• What about friends from high school and college that you‘ve reconnected with via Facebook or another social networking site? 
• Do you invite children? Do you let babies come? 
• Do you ask your single friends to bring a guest? (a plus-one in Sex and the City speak). What if they are in a serious relationship but not living together? What if they are in a serious relationship and living together? What if they seem to have no hope of being in a serious relationship any time soon? 
• Are friends and neighbors of your parents invited? Your parents may want to honor some of their dearest friends with an invitation—but then again, some parents don’t want to draw attention to their child’s gay wedding.
• Are your parents’ work colleagues invited?

It's that time of year again - all the nerves about wedding plans creep into our dreams....one of my clients was telling me about her nightmares.  

The dream I had the night before last was that we were all just casually hanging out at my sister’s place (who miraculously lived in Boston) and she told me it was 7:15 and I freaked out. I was in shorts and a t-shirt and we were due to get married at 7:30 p.m. and was nowhere near the venue or even close to being ready. Duff was the calming influence and just told me that the wedding would run late, but I was worried about cutting into everyone’s party time. It was an awful, awful feeling.

Most of my dreams have been like that one. Me realizing that I am not where I’m supposed to be or forgetting a huge part of something that was needed to be done for the wedding. In one dream, I had forgotten to pay for the venue and we got there and the venue was closed and locked…

What are some of your wedding nightmares?

Gay marriage first became legal in Masschusetts


Photo by Marilyn Humphries

Of course bachelor and bachelorette parties are heterosexual traditions but they’re also a really good time—and another excuse for a party.

Here again, couples who are more settled tend not to have these parties, while couples that are starting out and of more typical marrying age often do.

Being a same-sex couple can mean that you have a joint party or two separate parties. If you have separate groups of friends, separate parties are generally the way to go. But if your friends are merged, then I like a big party.

Jen and I chose to party together over an informal dinner, followed by a trip to a strip club (the most tasteful one in the city, if you can believe it). We were both on our best behavior (look, don’t touch) and a great time was had by all.

A good compromise is what one of my clients is doing:  partying independently and meeting up at a club at the end of the night. 

Some couples who party separately have a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” (a “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” kind of thing). If you plan on misbehaving that’s not a bad plan—just don’t drunk-dial or drunk-text at the end of the night. No unnecessary drama, right!

Are you planning to have a bachelor or bachelorette party?

Traditionally, the mother of the bride or the maid of honor hosts a bridal shower (typically around lunchtime) for all the local ladies invited to the wedding. At the bridal shower, lots of gifts are opened, sometimes games are played, and sometimes the bride puts on a funny hat made of paper plates and gift bows. You don’t have to that, though it's a very cute and fun tradition.

Gay and lesbian couples who are already settled into a home (with several cabinets full of Crate and Barrel dishes), generally don’t want or have a wedding shower, as they probably already have everything they need. That’s great for those couples. It saves everyone some money and they are often very busy anyway.

Gay and lesbian couples who are just starting out and of a more typical marrying age are more likely to want a shower (both lesbian brides and gay grooms can have wedding showers).   These are still often thrown by moms or by attendants, and some of the same traditions hold true.  

Our shower was thrown by Jen’s mom. The idea was to do something a little nontraditional, so knowing the two of us, she threw us a dessert and champagne shower in the middle of the afternoon. The event was held at a restaurant that specializes in decadent desserts. Our attendants were in charge of the décor and the fun, so they created a “Bernadette and Jen trivia” game and they organized an inter-table competition. It was hilarious, and still very low-key.

To avoid creating a lot of attention, we opted for a display shower, in which the gifts are set up on display, unwrapped. Not only did we not have to be the center of attention while ooohing and ahhing over gifts, but we didn’t have to wear funny hats. I know our guests enjoyed this nontraditional take on the shower because it was different and fun.

Are you planning to have a wedding shower?

I realize that many of the readers of this blog don't have the resources for a wedding planner but still want to make sure that the vendors who are part of their wedding day are gay-owned, gay-friendly and otherwise supportive businesses.  We were in Montreal last weekend and the hotel's gay concierge made a reference to "pink dollars" before sending us to a gay-owned restaurant for brunch.

I know that's one reason that many couples hire 14 Stories over a conventional straight wedding planner, and I do my best to keep my clients dollars pink and support other gay-owned businesses.  So where do you start?

The reality is that most online gay wedding directories do not screen their vendors to make sure they are gay-friendly.

I strongly advise any couple planning their gay wedding to check out www.SoYoureEnGAYged.com.  All of the vendors are in this directory because they are tightly screened and proven to be inclusive.

Next up is QueerlyWed.com, another great resource with screened vendors and real gay wedding stories.

When you're calling vendors, don't be afraid to ask, "is this a gay-owned business?" and if the answer is no, follow up with "what is your experience with gay weddings?"

As a gay wedding planner who only works with screened vendors, I've asked those questions hundreds of times....it's awkward at first but you'll get the hang of it!

Are you trying to keep your dollars pink when planning your gay wedding?

Most gay weddings are smaller than straight weddings.  The average wedding size of 14 Stories clients is somewhere around 75 guests - but many gay weddings fall below 50 guests.

For small gay weddings, a bed and breakfast or an inn can be a great place for a wedding.  We've worked in the Taylor House in Jamaica Plain several times and have a wedding booked at the Kemble Inn in Lenox later this year.  Like many inns, these have nice sized dining room and foyer spaces and provide options for a beautiful ceremony backdrop and magnificent outdoor gardens.

Some things you should consider when having a gay wedding at a B&B or inn:

• the best style reception is a cocktail reception or food stations
• you'll have to buy out all of the guest rooms - so be prepared to host some guests overnight
• you'll have to bring in lots of rentals - typically tables, chairs, china, flatware, stemware, etc
• you'll need to bring in your own caterer and bartender

Still, having your gay wedding at B&B or inn can be a very affordable and elegant option.


Taylor House


Kemble Inn

Would you consider an Inn or B&B for your wedding venue?