Weddings Redefined

In theory, there are some nice advantages to planning a wedding at your home or another private residence. The home could have a special meaning to you. You could save on a venue rental fee. You are not limited by an eight hour rental period and can set up and break down at your leisure. The party could go all night if you want.

But don’t be blinded by the advantages and think through these potential obstacles before making your final decision:

• How is your septic system? Can it handle 50 or more guests? Do you have 2 or more restrooms that guests can use? Will you have to rent portapotties or a luxury potatpotty trailer? 
• How is your parking situation? Is there enough parking for all of the vendors in the driveway. What about the guests? Will you have to hire a valet or rent a lot and provide shuttle service? 
• Is the home big enough for everyone to be inside for dinner and dancing? Or will you require a tent? Are you prepared to deal with the damage that tents (and the tent delivery truck) cause to the lawn? 
• Is there a good spot on the property for a wedding ceremony? What if it rains? 
• Are there any noise ordinances in the city or town where the wedding would be held? Are there nosey neighbors or neighbors who would call the cops to complain about noise? 
• Is there a large kitchen onsite? The caterer will have a lot of food to warm up or prepare and will need plenty of counter space and ovens. If you can’t offer that, the caterer may have to set up a catering tent and/or rent convection ovens. 
• How many amps of electricity does the home have? Are there some circuits with available power? If you are bringing in a tent, the lighting and heating of the tent requires significant power. If you are bringing in a DJ or band, they require significant power. So does a nice portapotty. Find out if you have enough power to provide or whether you will need to rent a generator. 
• Is the home in an area known to have poor drainage in the event or rain? Is it especially buggy in the summer and if so, can the property be sprayed? 

In general, unless it’s a very well equipped property or a wedding smaller than 50 guests, I advise against holding a wedding in someone’s home or on their property. The logistics can get very complicated and I would definitely suggest that you hire a wedding planner to make sure that all of these details are covered.

Please use a caterer for your wedding in a private residence. Don’t rely on your friends, family or let alone, yourself to prepare food. If you need to, you can prepare the food in advance and rent wait staff and bartenders to serve it – but please outsource at least some of this for your own sanity!

Are you planning to get married in a private home?

I had a call from someone yesterday looking for help with her wedding at the Arnold Arboretum in Jamaica Plain.  Jamaica Plain is a neighborhood in Boston and the Arboretum is a beautiful park with lots of scenic places to marry.

Unfortunately, in the Arnold Arboretum and other Boston and Cambridge-area parks, you can't have a ceremony in the park with any structures.  This means:  no tent, no tables, no chairs...well, maybe one or two chairs.  But you get the idea - your guests have to stand and you'll have to have a rain plan and be able to communicate it to your guests very effectively at the last minute.  

I personally love these types of wedding ceremonies which have a more casual, informal, organic feel - but keep in mind the needs of your guest list if this is what you have in mind.  85 year old grandmas often have a hard time standing for an outdoor wedding ceremony.

I've done extensive research and nearly all of the City of Boston's parks have no covering.  This means that, as much as the idea of a casual wedding in the Boston Public Garden sounds divine, you may get wet.

My advice:  if you are having a wedding with more than 20 guests, don't plan for the ceremony in a public park in the Boston area.  There are some really nice venues which have their own outdoor ceremony space where you can have chairs and where you can retreat in the event of rain.  But if you decide on a park, you'll need a permit.  The fee for Boston parks for Boston residents is $50 and $100 for non residents.

Are you planning to get married in a park?

Hopefully, if you're an organized planner, you won't have too much to do the week of your wedding.  These are typically the last minute things on my list:

• Write names on escort cards
• Finish welcome bags/baskets for out of town guests
• Print ceremony programs (though many of my clients don't use ceremony programs)
• Write out final payments for vendors
• Take out cash for vendor tips
• Wear your shoes around the house
• Pack for wedding night and for honeymoon
• Rehearse your ceremony

What's missing?

How about some quality couple time before the gay wedding?  How nice is it to not run around like a chicken with your head cut off and have some down time to enjoy your last few days as single people...this might mean getting a couples massage, manicures, pedicures, facials (yes, even for the grooms), or something as simple as a date night.  While there are no traditions around the week of a gay wedding, it's so nice to not stress through it all...

What projects will be left to do the week of your wedding?  Are you planning to take some time to relax together before the big day?

Jen and my first anniversary is in July and the company just turned six!  Jen and I are very good at always finding something to celebrate.  This time, we're giving away a free gay wedding (valued at $1850) for one lucky couple!


All of the contest details are over here!  Check it out and enter to win!

Good luck - we can't wait to hear your stories!

Bernadette

For the past six years, I've been tracking gay weddings, noting trends and keeping data.  In my independent analysis of nearly 200 lesbian couples, this is what they wore at their gay wedding: 

• 46% of lesbian couples wore one dress and one pants suit
• 42% of lesbian couples each wore a wedding gown (two gowns)
• 12% of lesbian couples each wore a pants suit (two suits or tuxes)

A funny thing has happened in the past six years.  Same-sex couples meet, fall in love, get engaged and then get married.  And at least here in most of New England and now DC and Iowa, getting married and planning for a gay wedding has become the "normal" next step in a relationship.  It's legal and a legitimate, common option for couples.

Two of our dear friends recently got engaged after a 18 months of dating and will probably be marrying sometime in the next year or so.  And to us, and to our other friends, this is just what happens now.  Marriage is legal and gay weddings are happening all over the place.  Most of these weddings have no overt political agenda - they're just about the love of two people. 

But the funny thing that happens is that guests at these gay weddings see the love story of the normal, happy couple play out, return to their neighborhood and tell their friends and co-workers the story of last weekend's wonderful gay wedding, leading to a ripple effect of positive momentum.  The stories get told and these are the stories that change the world.

What's my favorite part of a gay wedding?  All the tears of joy during the wedding ceremony, culminating in the phrase "I now pronounce you legally married."

What's your favorite part of a gay wedding?

I received a call today that Stephanie Martin, owner of Zoom Photography, recently passed away after a long battle with cancer.

Stephanie and I have been working on weddings since I first started my company in 2004.  She shot my second gay wedding - Amy and Mariko's on May 30, 2004.  That's how we met and we worked together on some great gay weddings in the subsequent years.  Last year I hired Stephanie to photograph elopements and other small gay weddings so we probably worked together a dozen or so different times last year.  The very last wedding that Stephanie shot was of my clients Dina and Kristy, on February 14, 2010.  

I'll remember Stephanie as a kind and gentle soul, very sweet and easy - and wonderfully talented.  I'll miss her sweetness.

Below is a collage of some of Stephanie and my work together:



Rest in peace, Steph.

Bernadette

As I've mentioned before, there's definitely a trick to getting your parents exciting about your gay wedding plans.  The last tip in my series suggests giving your parents projects.  Here are some excellent projects to distract your parents that give them something to control that will keep them out of your hair:

• plan and host the rehearsal dinner/welcome reception
• plan and host a wedding shower
• organize and assemble welcome bags for out of state guests (note: parents like being hosts so these three are very effective)
• create a signature cocktail recipe
• procure and assemble wedding favors (I once had a dad make homemade wine with custom labels - each couple received a bottle on their way out)
• address and mail save the date cards and wedding invitations
• write names on escort cards
• organize guest transportation

Note:  Bernadette first wrote this for SoYoureEnGAYged.com.  

Your friends are guests at your wedding. Guests! They should be treated like guests! They will probably be giving you a gift. They’ll probably be giving you emotional support through your stressful months of planning! No matter how bridezilla or groomzilla you get, no matter how crafty and Do It Yourself you are, and no matter how low your budget, your friends should not be working at your wedding.

That means: no moving of chairs, no post-wedding clean up or breakdown, no food or bar service, no pseudo-professional photography, no gathering of groups for formal photos and no DJing.

You do have my permission, however, to use your friends in the following ways, and with some exceptions:

• Officiate your wedding ceremony 
•  Sing or perform music in your wedding ceremony 
• Make announcements (as long as there aren’t too many announcements, and as long as only one friend is in charge) 
• Make your wedding cake (prior to the wedding day) 
•  Drop off setup and décor materials 
• Some setup assistance (only if you don’t have a wedding planner, and only if those friends are not in the wedding party) Videography (only if you have a friend who really enjoys being behind the camera – we all have one of those) 

Remember, in most cases, your friends aren’t professionals. If the video or the cake, for example, doesn’t come out perfect, you can’t resent them for it. If they are in charge of wedding setup and oversleep, have a family emergency or a flat tire, you can’t blame them – you’re not paying them.

Are you planning to use your friends’ help on your wedding day?