Weddings Redefined

Stories and advice from Bernadette Smith, visionary owner of 14 Stories, the nation's first firm specializing in creating legal LGBT weddings. Our weddings are unique, personal, beautiful and still, historical. We have offices in Boston and New York.

About Save the Date Cards

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Thursday, February 25, 2010

Once you have your venue chosen, date set, guest hotel booked and wedding website made, get busy on the save the dates cards, if you choose to have them.*

Remember that this can be the start of a cohesive theme so try to keep an eye on the big picture as you do so. 14 Stories works with a designer to create custom save the dates for our clients.

The save the dates are the first correspondence most people will have from you about your wedding. You can send these out up to a year in advance and preferably indicate the URL of your wedding website right on the card. This way your guests can make their own travel plans (if applicable) and make arrangements to take off from work, if needed.

While it’s nice to have the save the date be part of the cohesive stationery design, you can be completely whimsical if you prefer. I had a couple choose a save the date that looked like a flyer for a country music show because they met in Nashville. I had others choose a vintage postcard style and still others use save the date magnets.

My favorite online resources for wedding stationery are:

Those sites all do a nice job but in some cases you may need to disregard the hetero-norm language...but they'll all take good care of you.

*I say "if you choose to have them" because some couples don't. Skipping save the dates is an eco-chic approach to wedding planning. They are mostly necessary in the event you'll have many guests traveling from other states.

Are you planning to take a whimsical approach to save the date, or use them as the start of a cohesive design theme?

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How Can Trusts Protect the LGBT Family?

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, February 24, 2010

We're very pleased to present the fourth in a series of articles about legal resources for same-sex couples. They will be posted every Wednesday. Our goal is to make sure that your gay or lesbian family is protected, both as you plan your gay wedding and continue your lives together. The article below was written by Claire Bartholome, who in addition to being an estate planning attorney, is also a client of 14 Stories.

While basic Estate Planning, involving simple joint ownership, may solve some problems and avoid costly, time-consuming probate, Estate Planning for same-sex couples requires additional care. Transfers of property to an opposite-sex spouse are fully exempted from both Federal estate and gift taxes, but since the IRS uses the Federal definition of marriage, this exemption does not apply to same-sex couples.

Even if property is held jointly, the IRS includes the entire value of the property in the estate of the first owner to die unless the surviving owner can provide evidence of contribution to the acquisition of the property; this issue does not exist for married opposite-sex couples.

While Trusts are commonly used in Estate Planning for opposite-sex couples, they may be particularly important tools for same-sex couples because:

Trusts help to keep your wishes private because they avoid probate; they involve only the Trustee and beneficiaries, not the court.

Irrevocable Trusts can protect assets from creditors, but require relinquishing authority over assets.

Well-crafted Trusts are difficult for third-parties to contest and are therefore more resilient against attack by hostile family members.

While some tax-sensitive Trusts are ideally suited for couples with sizeable assets, many basic Trusts allow couples to avoid probate and protect the interests of their loved-ones.

For couples with significant assets, an Irrevocable Life Insurance Trust can shelter policy proceeds from estate taxes regardless of marital status.

A Testamentary Trust can support a surviving spouse without jeopardizing eligibility for important government benefits.

A Credit Shelter Trust applies the exemption from either State or Federal estate tax available to all persons regardless of marital status, minimizing the tax on passing on the combined assets at the death of the second spouse/partner.

A Grantor Retained Income Trust can transfer wealth at a discount from the wealthier to the less wealthy spouse or partner in same-sex couple relationships.

It is important, however, to consult with an attorney who is not only well-versed in the language of Trusts, but also sensitive to the needs of same-sex couples since some commonly-used Trust structures rely on the Federal definition of marriage and therefore will not work for same-sex couples.

Claire Bartholome is an Attorney with the Law Office of William J. Brisk. Her practice specializes in estate planning for same-sex couples in order to combat discrimination, legal challenges, and prejudice. This information is not intended to provide legal advice. For information as to how the laws apply to your specific situation, consult an attorney. www.briskelderlaw.com

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A History Lesson: Gay Marriage Timeline (in the US)

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A History Lesson – the timeline of gay marriage in the US

November 18, 2003: The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court gives the state legislature 180 days to enact same-sex marriage.
February 11, 2004: The Massachusetts General Court (legislature) completes the first step in a process that would ban same-sex marriage. The process is not continued.
February 12 – March 11, 2004: The Mayor San Francisco, Gavin Newsom, orders City Hall to begin issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples.
May 17, 2004: Same-sex marriage starts in Massachusetts.
August 12, 2004: The California Supreme Court rules that the San Francisco marriages are void.
September 29, 2005: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoes a same-sex marriage bill that was approved by the legislature..
October 12, 2007: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoes same-sex marriage bill that was approved by the legislature.
May 15, 2008: The Supreme Court of California overturns the state's ban on same-sex marriage.
June 16, 2008: Same-sex marriage starts in California.
September 10, 2008: HB436, a bill that seeks to "eliminates the exclusion of same gender couples from marriage", is submitted to the New Hampshire House of Representatives.
October 10, 2008: The Supreme Court of Connecticut orders same-sex marriage legalized.
November 4, 2008: California voters pass Proposition 8, amending the state constitution to ban same-sex marriage.
November 5, 2008: Proposition 8 takes effect in California, stopping new same-sex marriage licenses from being issued after this date.
November 12, 2008: Same-sex marriage starts in Connecticut.
March 26, 2009: HB436 supporting same-sex marriage passes the New Hampshire House of Representatives.
April 3, 2009: The Iowa Supreme Court legalizes same-sex marriage.
April 6, 2009: A same-sex marriage bill is passed by the Vermont General Assembly and then vetoed by the governor.
April 7, 2009: The Vermont General Assembly overrides the governor's veto of the same-sex marriage bill.
b Connecticut governor signs legislation which statutorily legalizes same-sex marriage (see Oct. 10 and Nov. 12, 2008), and also converts any existing civil unions into marriages as of October 1, 2010.
April 27, 2009: Same-sex marriage starts in Iowa.
April 29, 2009: HB436 supporting same-sex marriage passes the New Hampshire Senate with minor amendments.
May 6, 2009: Maine Governor Baldacci signs Marriage Equality Bill. The New Hampshire House of Representatives concurs with the Senate's amendments to HB436, and the bill supporting same-sex marriage advances to Governor John Lynch.
May 12, 2009: A same-sex marriage bill passes in the lower house New York Assembly.
May 26, 2009: The California Supreme Court upholds Proposition 8, but also upholds the marriage rights of the 18,000 same-sex couples married while same-sex marriage had been briefly legalized.
June 3, 2009: The New Hampshire General Court passes new HB73, which includes protections for religious institutions, as required by Gov. John Lynch to secure his signature on HB436, a bill legalizing same-sex marriage. Gov. Lynch signs both bills the same day.
September 1, 2009: Same-sex marriage starts Vermont.
September 14, 2009: Same-sex marriage was scheduled to start in Maine, but was put on hold because enough signatures were collected to make this a ballot initiative.
November 3, 2009: Voters in Maine voted down gay marriage, therefore nullifying the law passed by the legislature and signed by the Governor.
December 15, 2009: The DC Council voted to legalize gay marriage and the bill was signed by Mayor Adrian Fenty three days later.
January 1, 2010: Same-sex marriage starts in New Hampshire.

What's the status of gay marriage where you live?

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The Gay Wedding Party

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Thursday, February 18, 2010

On Tuesday, I talked about the traditional wedding party roles and responsibilities. Let's discuss how all that changes for gay weddings.

Keep in mind the following as you are discussing your own wedding party:

It’s OK if someone declines your request to be in your wedding party. They are not obligated to accept – it could be a financial, work issue or something else. Don’t guilt anyone out.
Choose the people with whom you are closest to be your attendant.
You don’t have to ask people to be your attendant just because you were in his or her wedding. Stand firm if you don’t want them as your attendant. It can be an emotional land mine – but it’s your wedding.
You don’t have to have the same number of attendants on either side. It doesn’t have to be matchy-matchy. You don’t have to go out and make new best friends or invite people you’d rather not for the sake of symmetry. No symmetry required.
Some people are not comfortable with gender roles associated with wedding tasks
Many gay couples do not have children at their wedding
In many gay weddings, people other than the Best Man offer toasts
Many gay weddings don’t have bachelor parties or bridal showers
Many gay couples don’t ask their attendants to dance with one another.
Many gay couples don’t expect their female attendants to all wear the exact same dress, if they are even asked to wear a dress at all. For dresses, I’m a fan of designers like J Crew and Aria where you can match the fabric in a variety of dresses that flatter every figure.
There are often no formal introductions at a gay wedding, or if there are, it’s typically just the newlyweds.

Jen and I each had two girls on our sides, so four in total. All but one were actually straight. The girls were in charge of invitations and activities at the bridal shower. They also threw us a bachelorette party but otherwise didn’t have a ton of responsibility. They were all asked to wear navy but had complete freedom in their outfit selection. They were not asked to give toasts. They were not asked to dance with one another.

In short, if you’re planning a gay wedding, there’s a good chance you might be asking a lot less of your attendant than your heterosexual counterpart.

Are you planning to have a wedding party? What are you asking of them?

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Comments

Scott commented on 25-Feb-2010 09:40 AM

This is great advice for brides and grooms!

Cee commented on 29-Jan-2012 05:08 PM

My partner and I are discussing our wedding party. It will potentially have a mix of men and women on both sides. I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions on titles. Initially before I remembered we both had brothers that are interested in being part
of our wedding, the women on my side were "GroomsMaids".

Bernadette commented on 29-Jan-2012 09:53 PM

Cee, here's a short list of names I've seen used: Attendants Honor Attendants Team *insert couple name here* Best People/Person Bridesmates Bridesmen Bridesguys Bridespeeps Bridal Brigade Wonder Women Bridespeople Groomspeeps Groomspeople Good luck with
whatever you decide!

Why do Same-Sex Couples Need Durable Powers of Attorney?

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, February 17, 2010

We're very pleased to present the third in a series of articles about legal resources for same-sex couples. They will be posted every Wednesday. Our goal is to make sure that your gay or lesbian family is protected, both as you plan your gay wedding and continue your lives together. The article below was written by Claire Bartholome, who in addition to being an estate planning attorney, is also a client of 14 Stories.

Like all couples, same-sex couples want to act as one – to be able to represent one another and make decisions on each other’s behalf. For same-sex couples, however, there is the added importance of recognition across state lines. Even if a couple is married in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, or Iowa, transacting business beyond state lines, on behalf of a same-sex spouse may not be possible without a valid Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA).

Here are some reasons why a DPOA is a useful tool especially for same-sex couples:

Transacting business. A DPOA allows a named agent to act on behalf of an individual with regard to bank accounts, property, and other assets. By naming your same-sex partner/spouse as your agent, you ensure that regardless of marital status, your partner/spouse has the authority to act on your behalf, in your home state and around the world.

Outlining specific powers. A DPOA can be narrowly tailored to include only the powers you wish your agent to have, or it can provide blanket authorization in all financial matters. There are many instances, however, in which a blanket authorization is not enough to ensure that your agent has the right to act on your behalf. Many banks/institutions/government agencies require specific language of authorization. This is why it is vital that a DPOA be tailored to your exact needs and reflect your exact wish.

Precluding guardianship/conservatorship. Should your spouse become unable to make decisions with regard to finances and related matters, authority under a DPOA allows you to step into his or her shoes. This arrangement precludes the need for a court-appointed guardian/conservator, which would otherwise be necessary to gain control and can be both costly and time-consuming.

Evidence of intent. Like a Health Care Proxy for medical decisions (see last week’s post), a DPOA for finances provides further evidence of your intent to rely on your same-sex partner/spouse in the same way that opposite-sex spouses traditionally rely on one another. If there is any possibility that your family members would seek to challenge your wishes and declarations, a DPOA is another very powerful piece of evidence against their claims.

Because laws do change. While no viable challenges to marriage equality in Massachusetts loom on the horizon, the entire country remains a battlefield for same-sex couples. State and Federal laws may change for the better or worse. Naming your spouse as your health care proxy, can provide protection in an uncertain future.

Claire Bartholome is an Attorney with the Law Office of William J. Brisk. Her practice specializes in estate planning for same-sex couples in order to combat discrimination, legal challenges, and prejudice. This information is not intended to provide legal advice. For information as to how the laws apply to your specific situation, consult an attorney. www.briskelderlaw.com

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The Traditional Wedding Party

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Your best man. Your best woman. Your maid of honor. Your attendant. Your groomsman. Your bridesmaid. Your person of honor. Your best person. Your best people. Your man of honor. Your bestie.

Who are these people? Take your pick of any or none at all. For the purpose of writing about gay weddings and being gender neutral, I’ll be using the word “attendant.” But truthfully, I’ve heard all sorts of variations from my engaged gay and lesbian clients.

Here are the traditional roles of members of a wedding party. They tend to have a lot of responsibility.

Maid of Honor

Goes dress and veil shopping with the bride
Throws the bridal shower if a family member does not
Helps assemble and mail invitations
Attends the wedding rehearsal
Has her hair and makeup done with the bride before the wedding
Helps the bride to dress before the wedding
Participates in the wedding processional
Holds the groom’s wedding ring
Holds the bride’s flowers
Helps with the bustle
Dances with the best man at the wedding reception

Best Man

Throws a bachelor party
Helps the groom choose a tuxedo
Attend the wedding rehearsal
Helps the groom get dressed before the wedding
Participates in the wedding processional
Holds the bride’s wedding ring
Toasts the happy couple at the wedding reception
Dances with the Maid of Honor at the wedding reception
Returns any rental tuxes

Bridesmaids

Attend the shower
Attend the wedding rehearsal
Participates in the wedding processional
Dances with groomsmen

Groomsmen

Attend the bachelor party
Seats wedding guests
Attend the wedding rehearsal
Unrolling the wedding runner, if one is used
Participates in the wedding processional
Dances with bridesmaids

Flower Girl

Typically, not much is expected of the flower girl – they do tend to be young. They’ll often carry a basket of flowers during the wedding processional. Sometimes they will toss petals on the aisle runner during her processional.

Ring Bearer

The little guy serving as the ring bearer usually isn’t asked to do too much. He will often walk next to the Flower Girl during the processional while holding the pillow with the wedding rings.

This is one of those areas where I’ll say “anything goes at a gay wedding.” You can mix it up and have opposite-gender individuals as your attendants. You can have no attendants at all. You can share attendants.

Why not? This is a gay wedding and you can do whatever the heck you want.

I’m not going to keep saying that, I promise. But you can. In the next post (this Thursday), I'll discuss how all this changes for gay weddings.

What are you calling the members of your gay wedding party?

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Ask Me Anything

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, February 15, 2010

Hello and happy belated Valentine's Day. I'm excited for all of you who are recently engaged and planning yourself a wonderful gay wedding. It's an exciting time, isn't it? I'm really happy for you.

I wanted to tell you that I always feel really guilty about celebrating Valentine's Day because when I was 19 years old, my sister in law died in a car crash on Valentine's Day. Since then, I've always had mixed feelings about the holiday but am still a huge fan of romance and would love to hear any of your romantic stories from Sunday. Seriously, I'd love to. What did your significant other do for you? Or what did you plan for your S.O.?

I also wanted to let you know that I've been answering questions - any questions at all, really - on this website: www.formspring.me/gaywedding. Feel free to ask questions there and I'll answer them there - or if you have burning questions about your own wedding plans, please email me at ask @ 14stories.com and I'll respond to those questions in this blog. I love hearing from engaged couples so please ask away!

I've been doing this a long time, longer than anyone else, and I can pretty much answer everything. You can also ask me personal stuff if you want to know more about me, or Jen, or both of us.

I hope you have a great week.

Bernadette

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Workshop for Engaged Gay and Lesbian Couples

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Friday, February 12, 2010

If you are engaged and gay, and overwhelmed with your gay wedding planning process, please join us for our Weddings Redefined workshop.

Even if you're not overwhelmed, please join us. It's a great date night and you'll get to meet some other couples like yourselves. The $50 registration fee includes some hors d'oeuves and wine and we promise you'll have fun. This workshop will be held on February 23 at Boston's Hard Rock Cafe (located in Faneuil Hall).

Here's what you'll learn:

how to decide who to invite
the cost of weddings
how to choose the right vendor for you
how to choose the right venue
gay wedding traditions
a primer on wedding design (linens, flowers, etc)
the pros and cons of weddings in a restaurant (such as the Hard Rock Cafe)
and plenty of time for Q&A

You'll also get a tour of Hard Rock's event space which is a nontraditional wedding location for sure - but you're probably planning a nontraditional wedding.

We keep these gay wedding planning workshops chill and low-key but fun and we know you'll have a good time. To register please visit this page. Hope to see you there!

Bernadette and Jen

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The Only Boston-Area Planner Certified as Eco-Beautiful

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Thursday, February 11, 2010

For years I've cared about the environment and my company has been purposefully built with this in mind. To see some of our green policies, please click here.

With this in mind, we're very proud to be the only Boston-area wedding planner certified by Eco-Beautiful Weddings. Eco-Beautiful Weddings is the nation's leader in certifying wedding vendors and the publisher of the nation's only green wedding e-zine. This magazine is a beautiful publication that you should definitely explore.

As an engaged couple, what does this mean for you? You can start by downloading our list of Green Wedding Tips and we are thrilled to work with you to design a wedding that reflects your values.

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Health Care Proxies for Same-Sex Couples

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, February 10, 2010

We're very pleased to present the second in a series of articles about legal resources for same-sex couples. They will be posted every Wednesday. Our goal is to make sure that your gay or lesbian family is protected, both as you plan your gay wedding and continue your lives together. The article below was written by Claire Bartholome, who in addition to being an estate planning attorney, is also a client of 14 Stories.

We have all heard horror stories of same-sex spouses excluded from decisions about a spouse’s care, treated like strangers by medical professionals and prevented from visiting by a spouse’s blood relatives. Thankfully, marriage equality has alleviated these concerns for couples in some states, in theory. In practice, however, without explicit documentation, same-sex spouses may face discrimination.

Here are some reasons why Health Care Proxies are essential for same-sex couples:

Discriminatory health care professionals. No matter what the law says, discriminatory individuals may try to stand in your way when you are faced with the challenge of making health care decisions for your spouse. If your spouse appoints you as health care proxy, you are empowered to make medical decisions on his or her behalf and access medical records, regardless of marital status.

Hostile family members.  Even if your blood relatives are not currently hostile to your relationship, it is possible that under the heightened stress of medical crisis, they could attempt to assert their authority as greater than that of your spouse. In Massachusetts and other states that have embraced marriage equality, you have the law on your side, but it is always helpful to have explicit documentation of your spouse’s appointment of you as an agent for health care decision-making and access to medical records.

Travel considerations.  When you travel beyond the borders of states that recognize marriage equality, your marriage may not be recognized. If you or your spouse fall victim to a medical emergency out-of-state or out-of-country, your marriage may be ignored. By producing a copy of your Health Care Proxy, you will maintain your rights to make decisions about your spouse’s care and have access to your spouse’s medical records.

Because laws do change.  While no viable challenges to marriage equality in Massachusetts loom on the horizon, the entire country remains a battlefield for same-sex couples. State and Federal laws may change for the better or worse. Naming your spouse as your health care proxy can provide protection in an uncertain future.

Claire Bartholome is an Attorney with the Law Office of William J. Brisk. Her practice specializes in estate planning for same-sex couples in order to combat discrimination, legal challenges, and prejudice. This information is not intended to provide legal advice. For information as to how the laws apply to your specific situation, consult an attorney. www.briskelderlaw.com

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Weddings Redefined

About Save the Date Cards

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How Can Trusts Protect the LGBT Family?

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A History Lesson: Gay Marriage Timeline (in the US)

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The Gay Wedding Party

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Why do Same-Sex Couples Need Durable Powers of Attorney?

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The Traditional Wedding Party

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Ask Me Anything

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Workshop for Engaged Gay and Lesbian Couples

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The Only Boston-Area Planner Certified as Eco-Beautiful

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Health Care Proxies for Same-Sex Couples

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