Weddings Redefined

At long last (and sorry for the delay), is my update on the second half of our experience last week in New York.

First off, I should note that we woke to a call from one of my BFFs who told us that the Celebrity Apprentice was shooting near our hotel and that if we wanted to meet Cyndi Lauper, we should get over to Burger Haven. So we headed out to the restaurant and waited in line for lunch (they were serving food for charity).  Like good gays, we couldn't pass up an opportunity to meet Cyndi Lauper, who is definitely a big gay icon and a tremendous supporter of marriage equality.  I've gone to her True Colors tour and it was one of the best concerts of my life.

So Cyndi and Sharon Osborne tag-teamed waited on us.  They are sweethearts!  So were Summer Sanders and Maria Kanellis.  Plus, our other favorite gay icon, Margaret Cho, was waiting in line outside to eat some burgers!  She is so not D-List - I can't believe she had to wait in line.  We also saw Donald Trump Jr, Al Roker, Carol Leifer and others.  It was crazy - I'm not easily starstruck but it was completely surreal and hard to top that.

But we did - that night we headed to the Martha Stewart Weddings 15th Anniversary Party at the Plaza Hotel.  It was completely posh and decadent and a blast.  We chatted with some great people including Rebecca Grinnals, who co-founded Disney Weddings and has her own wedding industry consulting firm; Randy Fenoli from Kleinfeld and Say Yes to the Dress - and his fabulous partner, Michael; and even met that very New York planner from Whose Wedding is it Anyway?, James Tramondo.  One of the highlights was talking to the editor of Martha Stewart Weddings magazine, Darcy Miller.

Jen and I had an absolute blast in New York and were excited to learn that the next issue of Martha Stewart Weddings magazine will feature a real gay wedding.  Way to go Martha! 

Heterosexism - a term that applies to negative attitudes, bias, and discrimination in favor of opposite-sex sexuality and relationships. It can include the presumption that everyone is heterosexual or that opposite-sex attractions and relationships are the norm and therefore superior.
as defined by Wikipedia

I see it all the time and most of the time it happens by accident, simply without thinking of ones' readers.  I completely understand but...keep in mind that gay marriage is likely to pass in DC and NY soon and your clientele may be changing.  If you want to reach the gay wedding market, you will need to change as well.

Some recent examples:

• Twitter tweet from a respected magazine:  Are you and your hubby swapping gifts on the big day? What are you giving him?  This tweet assumes that the reader is female and marrying a man - which is often the case with heterosexist remarks.
• Another from a blast email from a very nice vendor I know (forwarded to me by a client who noticed and was put off):  "We applaud her innovation and would like to help other brides do this if they want to surprise their (brand new!) husbands." 
• And a final example for the day taken from a photographer's website (which could have been any number of a thousand photographers): "We will capture every moment from your first kiss to your first dance as husband and wife."

I'll be speaking on heterosexism and other gay wedding themes at The Special Event in New Orleans in January.

Have you seen any noteworthy examples of heterosexism?  Or do you have materials that can be updated?

Here in Massachusetts, it seems if you want a formal chair for an indoor wedding, there's no alternative to the Chiavari ballroom chair.  No matter the array of colors and seat cushions, and no matter how elegant or comfortable, my gay clients are getting sick of the Chiavari.  In fact, it's so ubiquitous, I have about a dozen other photos similar to the one below, from other weddings!

Help me out here, rental companies!


Photo by Gretje Ferguson

I'll never forget when I was a first year undergrad at Boston University, freshly out of the closet and attending LGBA meetings on campus.  There was a brand new lesbian film out - and that didn't happen too often so it was a really big deal.  It was called Go Fish.  The director Rose Troche was speaking after the film at a special screening at the Brattle Theatre in Harvard Square. 

WOW, what a night.  I was 17, in a theater full of women, watching a love story about two women.  In hindsight, I can admit that some of the acting was kind of poor but at the time, WOW!  It was a love story.  And long before I was a wedding planner, I was a romantic and I've always loved love stories. 

One of the first questions I almost always ask a couple is how they met.  I get to see the sparkle in their eyes pretty quickly that way.  And the recurring theme seems to be that it was an instant connection, almost as if there was no choice but to be together.  Straight or gay, this is almost always what I hear.

Of course there are obstacles.  Sometimes those obstacles came in the form of long distance, coming out of the closet for the first time, or even just needing to grow up a little bit first.  But every couple has obstacles and those that make it communicate well through the obstacles and hold hands on the journey together.

If I can get enough volunteers (clients, speak up!), I'll be telling some love stories (likely anonymously) here on the blog from time to time.  And for those who haven't heard it, I'll tell the Jen and Bernadette love story (it's a good one).

Straight or gay, what's your love story?

Eco-weddings are on my brain recently.  I love them and am committed to being a green company and will soon be profiling green wedding expert, Katie Martin.

I was recently interviewed for an article and was asked if gay weddings were inherently more eco-friendly than straight weddings. 

Strange question, right?  I wonder if I was asked because there's an assumption that gay couples are more socially progressive and being more progressive equals more eco-friendly?  Here's my answer:

Why Gay Weddings are More Eco-Friendly:
The vast majority of gay wedding ceremonies do not occur in places of worship because many religions will not officiate gay weddings (another topic altogether).  The majority of gay wedding ceremonies occur in the same space as the wedding reception. This means less travel/fewer fossil fuels consumed = greener wedding.  (And that's before we talk about reducing paper, locally grown food, etc.)

And Why They are Not:
At this moment, there are currently four states where you can legally have a gay marriage:  Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont and Iowa. I've had gay couples come from over 20 different states to Massachusetts this year to work with me.  The fuel consumed for travel required for couples and their guests to go to a state where they can have a legal wedding cancels out any advantage gained by having the ceremony and reception in the same space.  Thus, marriage inequality = less eco-friendly weddings.

So truly, what is the best way to green a gay wedding?

How about purchasing carbon offset credits for your gay wedding?  Or supporting marriage equality?

For those who don't know, It's About Time makes a donation to a charity on a client's first anniversary.  Both carbon offset credits and a donation to HRC are options listed in our contract.

Jen and I spent two wonderful days in New York, beginning on Sunday. One of my attendants/best friends lives in Brooklyn and we caught up with her on Sunday before heading over to the Get Married magazine launch party.

Get Married's inaugural issue featured a Real Wedding of a lesbian couple - so kudos to the magazine for being inclusive from the get-go.  There are some who still see this as a risky decision but it will be rewarded by the community.

What a fun party!  We met the great folks at Get Married including founder Stacie Francombe.  We connected with some super sweet wedding industry folks including planners Katie Martin, Keli Morris, Camille Plummer and Beverly Johnson.  We loved chatting with Harmony Walton, founder of the Bridal Bar.  And we hung out with our fabulous publicist, Michelle Slaughter.

Here's our super silly photobooth photo (wow, we are pale, almost transparent!):

I should tell you that gay weddings almost never have receiving lines.  In fact, I urge my clients to disappear somewhere secret for a few minutes after the recessional to avoid an accidental receiving line.

These 2004 brides wanted to greet their guests so immediately after the recessional, they headed into the Cambridge Multicultural Arts Center (following the ceremony in the courtyard) and waited on the steps for guests to slowly follow.  There was no bottleneck, no prolonged greetings - and it was quick and painless - just the brides welcoming guests to their party. 

Inside awaited cocktails, tea, wedding cake, mini sandwiches and live jazz.  That was just the beginning.  90 minutes later trolleys swooped all their guests up and off to the real reception at the Harvard Fogg Museum.



Photo by Zoom Photography

One of the coolest things about my job is meeting amazing couples, many of whom come here from other states to legally marry.  It's one of the many things that makes my career as a wedding planner so fulfilling.  I love producing weddings and being the architect of it all - but more importantly to me, I know I am helping LGBT couples get their equal rights.

I had such an opportunity back in August when Frank and Matt from Arkansas hired me for a Vows plus package, which involved the license in one day, cake, flowers, a ceremony location (they chose a church in Brewster), photographer and dinner reservations for their ten guests.

Most of my planning with these couples is done by phone and email so meeting in person is always a treat.  One of the things that Frank and Matt shared with me is that they are one of the plaintiffs in a case brought by the ACLU against the State of Arkansas, seeking to end the ban on adoption by unmarried couples, which was a law passed last November by a voter referendum and was designed to discriminate against the LGBT community.

This week I was walking around my neighborhood and stopped by someone from the ACLU looking for my support and that young person mentioned this case.  I feel such a personal connection to this case because I adore these great guys.

These are the kinds of guys, who have returned home to Arkansas, legally married with a relationship legitimized by a government, who are changing hearts and minds about the issue of gay marriage - just by knowing them, hearing their story and seeing how in love they are.  Their decision to be part of that ACLU case is just a bonus.

Here they are on their wedding day - and by the way, you should consider supporting the ACLU:



Photo by Zoom-Photography.

A dear friend of ours (actually one half of our best gay boyfriends) is a PhD student writing his dissertation on how a relationship enhancement program can benefit newlywed gay males.  Such programs exist for heterosexual couples but Brian is developing one for gay couples. 

If you are a newlywed gay male, local to Massachusetts and would be interested in participating in this study, please see this letter and contact Brian directly.

Thank you!

This week's photo comes from a client's wedding back in 2004, one of my very first weddings.  The couple enlisted an army of friends to help them with DIY projects.  Each dinner table had a gorgeous hand-made red table runners (not shown).  The ceremony program was designed to be a fan - clear and utilitarian on that hot day.  The couple bought charger plates for each centerpiece at the Christmas Tree Shops and scattered some polished river rocks around the potted orchid plant (not shown). The favors were those cootie catchers from elementary school in a variety of great colors. 

All in all, a lovely tablescape, completely DIY.  I admire this in particular as a not-very crafty person myself. 



Photo by Casey McCormick